In some of my spare time, I enjoy logging onto IRC (Internet Relay Chat) and playing trivia games.
It's a lot of fun, and I have made friends (well, virtual friends) from all over the world.
The following are some of the funny quotes from IRC users.

GO TO LATEST UPDATE 9/1/04

iban is going to invent a marriage simulator. It's a blowup doll that sits on the couch, takes your money, and slowly inflates larger and larger

 

<Andre> short girls with glasses and flannel jammies are cute.
<The_Frymaster> You just described Jonathan Lipnicki in Jerry Maguire.
<The_Frymaster> You pervert.

 

<lonelyfig> who here can name all the punk bands that have won Grammy's?
<Lawd> u2 and umm
<Lawd> thats it
<nXwetrust> u2 punk?.......
<lonelyfig> U2 = not a punk band
<Lawd> yeah they are
<blazemore> hahaha
<lonelyfig> no they arent
<Lawd> they started out as a punk band
<blazemore> michael jackson also started out as a black person

 

<the_Speed_Bump> I have a severe, irrational phobia against midgets with red hair who wear black trenchcoats and sell kitchen cleaners in back alleys behind hotels whose names start with the letter 'U'.
<the_Speed_Bump> Every day is a struggle.

 

<no_soul> i snorted Ajax
<no_soul> i almost died

 

<DrTrevorkian> i'm sick of this internet.  i'm gonna make my own.

 

<Kefka_> Rap is for people who need to be influenced by a culture of uneducated fools who have primary goals of "ballin" and becoming fly by having a dope ride.

 

<rbeattie> If you were MEANT to understand it, we wouldn't have called it 'code'

 

<aRse> dudes.. i'm not eating asparagus again for a while.. i just pissed green

 

<DrWoody> <intra> I want to propose to my wife with a giant foam #1 finger instead of a ring.
<RastaSaf> of course the correct answer to that quote would be: how long did it take the doctors to remove it from you?

 

<flee> my favorite people to talk to on the phone are those
<flee> that are self-absorbed enough that all I have to do
<flee> is say "yup" and laugh at appropriate intervals.
<flee> it's only annoying when I don't know how to detach.
<flee> I should write a program that will say "yup" and
<flee> laugh for me.
<flee> of course, I can't tell anyone this.
<mrg> yup!
<mrg> hahahah

  

<XtremeBain> you know you're a hich when
<Fembot> ya can't spell "hick"

 

<barkode> you don't even want to be in the same area code as me after indian  food

  

< Bayls > Sheesus. Was it this dead -before- I got here? :)
< annie > yeah
< Bayls > Hmmm, musta been. Weird, I didn't see any Star Trek marathons on tonight.

  

<Eye_Candy> you're lucky I retain video game knowledge like Oprah retains water

  

<Sharkey> Why is it whenever I hear the phrase 'Battered Women' I think of fried food?

 

<Cyrix> you can only curse me to eternal damnation for so long

  

<Esk> Quit XP bashing! It's a better OS than you'll ever make! :D
<evilbob> I doubt I could construct a gremlin, but I'm not about to start driving one.

  

<@ataribaby> did you know birds actually have sex?
<@ataribaby> that disturbs me
<@shagman> you didn't think they did?
<@shagman> they just divided into new birds?

 

 (WoHo): im as pure as a virgin :D
(Lachlann): take out the 2nd, 3rd and 4th word from woho's sentence and it's true

 

 <tress> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

 <Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Mr_Day> I think Nick is trying to tell us something.  What is it, boy?  Is Timmy trapped down a well?

  

<Jammer> Bad things happen in threes, don't they?
<Fake_Plastic_Tree> like Hanson.

 

<Johnno> my favorite animal is the scapegoat

  

<Sandman> You know something? Burning hair reeks.
<Zibblsnrt> I think that's nature's way of telling you, "Don't set your hair on fire, moron!"

 

 <briancuz>My mom is ashamed of me because i'm not an alterboy. My dads ashamed of me because i'm not a football star
<sswoop182>sooooooo............Tackle a priest

 

<Tbodd> My 9-yr old son
<Tbodd> I told him he should start making his birthday/christmas list now
<Tbodd> so he did
<Tbodd> and next to each item, he wrote WTF:Walmart
<Tbodd> WTF:ToysRUs
<Buffy^V^S> lol
<Tbodd> so I said, 'Justin, what do you mean by WTF?'
<Buffy^V^S> and
<Tbodd> he said, 'Where To Find'

 

<Thru^Me^Cool> you don't know cool until you've played the tuba!!

 

<Shrap> What is pubes?

 

<SaetheR:#916> why are stupid people my managers?
<phear:#916> because they make horrible employees

 

<@mewse> contrary to popular belief there are periods where i dont feel like drinking
<@mewse> these periods, i call "hangovers"

 

<ShadowMouse> bye
<Coan_Arcanius> bye
<[Bryan]> bye
<cams> bye
<[Bryan]> (damn we sound like a boy band)

 

<Cyride> the other day i was in the mall with my wife and we pass by a pictuer of two girls that are in the playboy bunny suits and my wife says i bet you wished i look like that... what is someone supposed to say to that? is "duh" the proper response to that?

 

<GoreGasm> i'm sure i could beet you up, and i would
<th0m> *laying on sidewalk covered in beets*

 

<lawngnome> isnt chelsea clinton like, 10 years old?
<fire_hawk> what?!  no!  She's going to Stanford next year!
<lawngnome> wow...
<lawngnome> pretty smart 10 year old.

 

<Wilson99> omg thats so phat !! i never knew saw that
<T1Jr> yeah it is pretty overweight.

 

<Brainded> can anyone help me with a ppp problem?
<mustang> you have a stutter and you're trying to urinate ?

 

<Dude> did ya hear poland bought 5000 septic tanks?
<DatDawg> why?
<Dude> as soon as the figure out how to drive them they’re invading Russia

 

<jre> I wouldn't eat dolphin.  I refuse to eat anything smarter than me.  Which is why I abstain from broccoli.
<AmbushBug> I would love to only eat things smarter than me.
<AmbushBug> ...
<AmbushBug> I assume the silence is all of you standing agape at the opening i left for all of you.
<jre> Ambush:  It's too predictible.  We want originality in our comedy.

 

<Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file

 

HolyViper7: it could be worse :P
Ebyan: It could be better
HolyViper7: everything could be better
Ebyan: everything could be worse
HolyViper7: not oprah
HolyViper7: she cant get any worse.

 

<Miko> hey i don't remember them dropping food on NYC when they crashed into the WTC

 

<EK> What if the war in Afghanistan was fought with midgets!
<Jei> With midgets as infantry, or as ammunition?

 

<TotAffen> On a scale from 1 to 10, I'm so drunk.

 

(nexxai) I just tried to light my smoke, but I forgot to put it in my mouth, and burnt my nose :(
(nexxai) I lit the lighter, then realized the smoke was still on the desk

 

<Gripping> i am shakin like an immigrant at the border

 

<schwack> if there's one thing i hate its everything

 

<nailer> Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiago's Luggage?

 

<joshieboi> - i thought speed racer was the car

 

(konartist) How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
(konartist) Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

 

<rob`> where does an irish family go for vacation?
<rob`> to a different bar

 

(@bart`) bwhahhahahahahah. i think they should send that little girl from the pepsi commercials to cuba too

 

<theTrick> Canada volunteered 10 Battleships, 4 Jet Fighters, and 200 Soldiers to the U.S. anti-terrorism cause, after the exchange rate, that came up to 4 canoes, 2 flying squirrels and 3 canadian Mounties

 

<Sanji> I eat people.
<Sanji> I'm a humanitarian

 

<Starlet> <--- law student. future lawyer.
<Jerub> <-- computer programmer. future defendant.

 

<DarkDawg> hrm
<DarkDawg> somethign doesn;t seem right...
<Xplosive> the spelling of 'something' and 'doesn't'?

 

<baguette> hey, anyone know how to find a hamster?
<is> set a cat loose
<is> the location of the hamster and the location of the cat will converge quickly
<is> though it may be difficult to separate them again...

 

TX Luder : dude
TX Luder : i just had a genius idea
TX Luder : m&ms frozen in ice cubes
TX Luder : just think of it man
TX Luder : your sucking on ice
TX Luder : then WHAM
TX Luder : m&m

 

<|Chris> i want you to setup a word substitution in your head
<|Chris> whenever you see the term "wrestling," i want you to think, "white trash"

 

<Sharkey> The rain in spain falls mainly on the spaniards.

 

<@Kamakazi> i've seen a cat land on it's head
<@Kamakazi> it was my fault
<@Kamakazi> i tried to make it do 2 backflips
<@Kamakazi> it was at my friends house
<@Kamakazi> i wanted to see if they ALWAYS landed on their feet
<@Kamakazi> so i dropped him and he did.
<@Kamakazi> and i was like hmm...
<@Kamakazi> i wonder how many backflips he could do then…

 

(MoLaUstEr) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

 

<q> well, not really. i don't like wearing clothes because i really just rather be baked.
<q> and by baked, and mean, naked.
<q> and by "and mean", i mean "i mean"

 

<SophiesCat> my room is making ominous popping sounds.
<malcolm> ghost popcorn

 

<SementE> anyone here have a commercial pilot license?
<blazemore> semente: do you have any idea how many fbi "carnivore" systems you just set off
<SementE> blazemore:  oh.. I forgot to add airline

 

<goltrpoat> 'britney spears' is an anagram for 'presbyterians.'

 

<Random> "Mosh pit. Well-concealed tazer. Hours of endless entertainment."

 

<oneo|SUMMER> the US has some of the best schools in the nation

 

<CMR> We're having a solar eclipse!
<RJR> Oo! Where?

 

<reaper> I'm not racist I have colour TV

 

<timmo> you know what i hate
<timmo> errors that wont go away
<Guilty> So you dislike children too

 

<Jubei301> So I walk into the room with the cat on my shoulder, facing backwards, and my stepdad is trying to watch TV, and I step in front of him, point at my cats ass, and say "ARG! shiver me timbers, its me one eyed parrot" and he laughed for a long time....my mom was just staring at me like im some kind of pervert.

 

<rlorenzon> ...and that's when i knew she was the one
<wolfnip> how did you know that?
<rlorenzon> because...i lost all my friends.

 

<Zarzig> If i had a cup of liquid nitrogen right now, i would drink it.
<Zarzig> Granted my stomach would solidify and i would die in a matter of seconds...
<Zarzig> but at least my underwear woulden't be so sweaty...

 

<Tbodd> I pull no punches with the women
<Tbodd> otherwise, they just get back up and beat the crap outta me

 

<Brentai> ...you guys realize that this is the least I've ever laughed.  I'm anti-laughing.
<FoxieMoxie> You're anti-laughing? Good, I hope your lungs implode then.

 

<prok> heh they set up one of those temporary radar speed detector things yesterday, the ones that tell you how fast you're going
<prok> with a big sign
<prok> i did about 5 laps around it trying to get my car up to 120
<ShizCakes> You know it takes your picture if it starts blinking when you go past it, right?
<prok> whoops

 

<Atlas> Wouldn't it be easier to sneak a gun in, shoot Ben, and STEAL BEN STEIN'S MONEY!

 

<|Chris> okay...here's one
<|Chris> what's the worst crime you've ever commited?
<Guilty> I once taped a Golden Girls episode with only implyed oral permission and not expressed written permission

 

<RevSlidey> a baby seal walks into a club

 

<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization

 

<eldeesux0r> i used to think lysol was a lice repellent
<eldeesux0r> one day i sprayed it in my hair before i went to school cuz they were doing lice checks
<eldeesux0r> i got a rash :|

 

toAzron1:Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

 

<neurotik> huhuhu i think steamed chicken is disgusting but i wouldn't consider myself steamedchicken-o-phobic
<neurotik> therefore i wouldn't consider myself homophobic either

 

dodee: I look british.
dodee: I think it's the haircut.
[jhk]: it's probably the teeth

 

<RadiX> I had a thought
<Isando> Wow it must have come as a surprise to you.
<RadiX> at first I thought it was a headache.. I wasn't sure what it was.

 

<MiDGeT`> so its just irony i guess
<MiDGeT`> but cooler
<BrettyBoy> i hate ironing

 

<Allen> what about Hall?
<CactusJac> he died
<Mikey316> he was arrested
<Allen> make up your mind..
<CactusJac> He was arrested for dying.

 

<DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

 

<TonyD> you hatiater
<DamianMor> What on earth is a hatiater?
<TonyD> it's a word I just made up
<TonyD> someone who radiates hate

 

<gb> it's impossible to argue with the ignorint

 

(debaser) i bought a mouse today
(debaser) and it didnt have a ball in it
(debaser) i got a neutered mouse.

 

<Elfin> lkmwclldsldldldldldld,e,e,e,e,e,,e,e,e,e,e,,e,e,e,e,e,,e,e,e,e,e,e
,e,e,e,,,,eee,e,olwowowoowolsalslslsllslslslslslslllsllsllsllslls lsls
<Elfin> That was me playing keyboard drums.
<memo> Rock on.
<Elfin> You know it.

 

<Cerebus> being bi-polar must suck
<Kender> well yes and no

 

<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away
<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob
<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs
<cristobal> and heat up the door knob
<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

 

<oneiros> Damn it.
<oneiros> I do not understand this.
<Kyle> Uh oh.
<jwbozzy> ...
<Kyle> Oneiros is reading "The Roly Poly Puppy" again.

 

<djfisty> i woke up with samuel l jackson's hairstyle from 'unbreakable'

 

<Rann-chan> I just want to run screaming into the night.
<ThePlaya> Do so
<Rann-chan> It's not dark yet.

 

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

 

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

 

<Raize> can you guys see what I type?
<vecna> no, raize
<Raize> How do I set it up so you can see it?

 

<Plot> I was either going to die now
<Plot> or get 80% third degree burns atleast
<Plot> someone had the gas knob opened
<Plot> I went into kitchen
<Plot> switched a bulb
<Plot> and wham
<Plot> kitchen was filled with one big fire ball
<theForger> woah dude
<C--> damn
<ThaDragon> If you just blow up your kitchen, and then proceed to get on IRC and tell people about it, you might be an IRC junkie…

 

<incarnate> hey cres, I know what you're thinking right now
<incarnate> " "
<cres> i dont get it

 

<skullY_> <-- Feels really bright now
<barkode> did you get a new lamp?

 

<Swish> life is so ironic
<Swish> Happy hour: when you imbibe great quantities of depressant

 

<Synoptica> holy crap
<Synoptica> i like
<Synoptica> almost swallowed an aaa battery
<Synoptica> (dont ask)

 

<BlackDeth> hatter doesn't like cocaine
<BlackDeth> he just likes the way it smells!

 

<CrazyClimber> top dangling modifier of the day:
<CrazyClimber> "A jet going 100 m.p.h. slammed into a deer, which ruptured a wing fuel tank and dumped 70 gallons of gas on the runway. "
<CrazyClimber> i knew about cows and methane, but...
<me_tew> Dammit, when are they going to REQUIRE that fuel tanks on deer be moved away from the wings.

 

<Villager> haven't you heard the phrase 'big is beautiful'?
<Alexander> i've heard the phrase 'fat is repulsive'

 

<CoMBo> so for job titles, i should put Wholesale Distributor, Bookkeeping and ...what goes here
<jube> Village Idiot

 

<Colrblind> Dev: it could be worse.. you could have a mullet and actually think its cool

 

<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

 

<sundown1> phone companies are the real root of all evil
<eMphire> and it spreads through the phonelines :)

 

Kid1: What are you, illiterate?
Teacher: Hey, we dont talk about illiterate people.
Kid2: Yea, we write about them.

 

<mike> i'm not afraid of heights.. i could look up at them all day
<mike> it's depths that get to me

 

<Doc> ok... kitchens clean, bathrooms clean
<Doc> thats the two easiest to clean rooms of the house done...
<cactoid> is that because you always eat out and you never shower?

 

<AtrocityX> is there a virus that can make your computer lag?
<DeskLazer> it's called AOL

 

<pfk> oh its may 21st..almost time for my bath

 

<puppet> a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship

 

<astroboy> I asked a japanese exchange student what kind of american TV he likes in japan.
<astroboy> he said full house.
<astroboy> I fear japan.

 

<iMike> monty python would be funny if nerds hadnt invented an entire subculture devoted to quoting it

 

Vrex989: know wonder you failed english

 

<AutistiCat> I'm forgetful.
<AutistiCat> Yet I can remember 50 digits of pi...
<Arcman> That's why, see.  That took up all your brain space.

 

<piman> RVD: Whereas the amount of people watching wrestling grows, oddly enough, at the same rate as the people who are 3rd generation welfare recipients.

 

<[chromex]> A paleontologist is a type of dinosaur

 

<JustNoodle> be right back
<JustNoodle> it's time for my daily sacrifice of a virgin
<meatwad_> you're committing suicide?!

 

<The_Enigmatic_Lemur> Hmm whats a nice sophisticated term to put on a resumé for fast food cook.
<Drain> ...
<ZS|GTA3> ...
<Geno|Morrowind> Hamburger Helper
<ZS|GTA3> Ahahah.
<Drain> ahaha

 

<herman> its easy as abxc

 

<doc> i feel no need to go to canada 
<doc> if i want a taste of canada, i'll drink a canada dry

 

<Dingles> Why am I such a funny person?
<Jack104> 'Cause your life is a joke?

 

terra begins dousing people in gasoline
<hngkong> Terra, why kill us?
<terra> Shush
<terra> it's perfume

 

craig: I suddenly have the urge to rip someone's ear off... can you guess why?
ted: uh... you've been possessed by vincent van gogh?

 

<Jahidi> love is just when two people decide to stalk each other.

 

<carcoal> what's a good car?
<carcoal> truck or sub
<jitspoe> sumbarines are usually good cars, carcoal

 

<krisi> anyone from ireland?
<Tbodd> no, we're all sober

 

Cat1013: Whoops
Cat1013: I just really confused my grandma.
HermitKing: She has IM?
Cat1013: She just got it. I was talking to her, and she asked about my new car.
Cat1013: I said that it was fine, but that it makes a funny noise whenever I shift.
HermitKing: So?
Cat1013: I left the "f" out of "shift".

 

<DawnG>I was forced to attend a seminar on leadership. We were broken into small groups and each was asked to state what skills a good leader possesses. I wrote, "Needs to be good with elephants and crossing Alps." The others at my table were amused, but the seminar coordinator didn't get it. I said it was a reference to Hannibal, known for his leadership qualities. Her reply: "What leadership qualities? He was a cannibal, and anyway, it was lambs, not elephants."

 

<burzzzzzz> i had a little disagreement with cement pilar while looking for a place to park my car :/

 

<Oriden> you have lenscrafters in canada?
<EV3> yup yup
<Gregg|WaitingForUO> no
<Gregg|WaitingForUO> we just leave our visually impaired to die.
<Gregg|WaitingForUO> get hit by cars and stuff

 

<Mandingo> My toilet will NOT stop running!
<Mandingo> Stupid toilet.  I give it SO MUCH, and this is how it repays me.

 

(CitizenC): I spilled my ashtray all over my computer earlier today.
(CitizenC): Took forever to clean up.
(CitizenC): At least I don't have to empty my ashtray now.

 

<Loopster> im acculy very smart

 

<pleb> hey how long does it take to get back the results from a fertility test?
<Ouroboros> Do you have a girlfriend?
<pleb> yeah
<Ouroboros> 9 months.

 

<timmo> remember how i told you guys about that chick
<timmo> i was talking to in the record store
<McMoo> the imaginary one?

 

<Snakeyes> anyone here the master of "DEATH OF A SALESMAN" i gotta answer 25 questions about it in 15 minutes!
<@dewx> i know i didn't watch it!
<@dewx> (isn't it a movie?)
<Snakeyes> its a play
<phoq> the salesman dies

 

<Affe> damn black socks
<Affe> i need to start pairing them together
<Affe> i pulled some out figuring 'oh if i pull out a few, i'll eventually end up with a pair'
<Affe> i had 8 different kinds of socks in my hand
<Ouroboros> Wow, Affe.
<Ouroboros> Your life must be incredibly boring if you thought that was interesting enough to tell us.

 

<chris> i have a pad of paper in front of me that is a list of every single thing i own.
<matt> what's on it?
<Mephistol> '1 pad of paper'

 

<syk|Fox> and this greenpeace guy comes up to us and tells us how bad oil companies are
<syk|Fox> then laura turns around looks him square in the face and tells him her dad owns an oil company
<syk|Fox> the guy ran off like she had aids or something
<Lid> you should've covered him in oil and lit him up like a chiristmas tree

 

<ibrahim> is there alive experts?
<ozzmosis> I've been alive since I was born, you could say I'm an expert at it

 

<Rin> 65 peolpe killed in Canada by guns last year
<Rin> 63 in UK
<Rin> 64 in Australia
<Rin> 11,456 in USA
<Ram> we win!

 

<Winkingdog> Cute toll collector At the Harbour tunnel this morning.  Blond,  young and very cute.  I'm gonna ask her out..
<Winkingdog> I wonder how many round trips I’ll have to do before I get the chance  :)
<DD> Man, she's already costing you money!

 

Jigglyjuff: that's worse then that peanut, butter and jelly sandwich i hear all americans like
<CHAT MattDavis>  no
<CHAT MattDavis>  peanut butter
Jigglyjuff: oh! that makes much more sense

 

<boomer> mount rushmore, contrary to popular opinion, did not grow that way

 

<gweedo> the French government's nuclear 'football' contains white flags and translations of 'We surrender' in 178 languages

 

<helminthes> what girls have to realize is that every other guy is wrong and i am right

 

<Wooben> So she called me and i told her she was really ugly
<Wooben> so that was the end of that

 

<dmc2> I hate it when my sound goes blurry.
<supakoopa> i hate when my video gets loud.

 

<Hemlock> cloning one's pet doesn't seem that costly
<Hemlock> i am seriously considering doing this
<Compute> hem:  you can't clone rocks, dumbass

 

<sKratch> you know what?  if we could choose our nationality at birth, there would be no canada
<sKratch> or it would just be a country full of morons
<sKratch> oh wait...

 

<SadisticEuphoria> im texan i don't have to be gramticly correct =D

 

Mortaneous>  idiots of that caliber still exist
Mortaneous> I thought Darwinian evolution woulda killed em off the first time they attacked the toaster with a knife for eating their bread

 

<Neo_Rockman> ummm... if it's friday the 7th, does this mean that in 7 more days it will be friday the 13th?
<Neo_Rockman> wait…

 

<Rhombus> US investigators say they have seen neither bodies nor graves while examining a civilian site in central Afghanistan, allegedly targeted by US warplanes earlier this week.
<Rhombus> That sounds like:
<Rhombus> fox investigators say there is no proof that any henhouses have been raided by foxes.

 

<Carplos-Duck> You just killed 100 innocent civilians, how do you feel?
<Pedro> patriotic

 

<+Hotaru> Hmm, 1 in 32 Americans are either in jail or prison, on probation, or on parole.
<@Riffraff> COOL!
<+Vulpes> I didn't know we had that many politicians.

 

<[vr]bLaZe|wErK> i finally registered for me fall classes
<[zT]Lunchie> i hope english is one of them

 

<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say

 

<PrincessLeia2> once i climbed on the roof at my old (upstairs) apartment and climbed in through a window when I didnt have my keys
<Shell Gh0st> I use to do that
<Shell Gh0st> you had a nice apartment

 

<FL|Work> forgot to pay my stupid tax
<Pi|Mu|Rho> you get taxed on stupid? That's going to be one hefty bill.
<marek> he could fund 3 new hospitals all by himsel 

<bpshuler> it all comes down to what your goal is. and once again, because people don't want to figure out on their own what they want, they allow marketers to dictate it to them, then act on it. frustrates me to no end
<Yawgatog> I want Super Mario World for Game Boy Advance. That'll rule!

 

<Warhead> call off, everyone: boxers or briefs?
<Enargy> depends
<Warhead> ......control problems?

 

<guardian> whos john lennon?

<obi-rav> has the same sounding songs like the beatles, they must have inspired him
<guardian> probs

 

<CoMBo> haha, dude i can kill u
<CoMBo> with my bear hands
<refujee> you're a bear?
<refujee> or did you just get bear hands grafted onto your body?

 

<MattV> Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, and F are the letters for bra sizes?
<MattV> If you've wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you were informed!
<MattV> A- Almost boobs
<MattV> B- Barely there
<MattV> C- Can't complain!
<MattV> D- Damn!
<MattV> DD- Double damn!
<MattV> E- Enormous!
<MattV> F- Fake.

 

*** Jei-Dijitaru has quit IRC (Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.)

 

<miriamb>  is there really horse in horseradish?

 

Stinkysteven67: I love married with children. Its a great show.
Lucy17: It's ok, One thing that bugs me about that show,
In the pilot series they had Al bundy sounding like he was from Brooklyn
or something when they are supposed to be from Chicago.
Stinkysteven67: Where do you think brooklyn is dork?
Lucky17: Its in new york goofball, chicago is in illinios.
Stinkysteven67: Oh sorry, I've never been good at geometry.
Lucy17: Umm yea..

 

<Purelimit> man we hear about all these terrorists nowadays
<SgtPayne> Yeah but most came here legally staying after their visas expired
<Purelimit> Are u serious?

<SgtPayne> Yeah compare that to blockbuster if your 3 days late their people are all over you
<Purelimit> yeah lets put blockbuster in charge of immagration
<SgtPayne> rofl

 

<Lordb> me want to meet some women tonight
<godlike> me thinks women might like man more if man didn't talk like ape.

 

<sexy_westie> lmao. . . . . reminds me of a childhood story
<sexy_westie> my grandmother bought my mother (10yrs old at time) a chihuahua pup (cost a bomb apparently) only for the cat to eat it in the first day lmao
<sexy_westie> must have thought it was a yapping rat

 

<Ariela> I want a man that is like a purse: looks good on your arm, carries your things, and hopefully matches your shoes.
<Nap> I want a woman who's like a good pair of shoes: looks good, provides support, and doesn't recite stupid analogies.

 

<FLoRa> i'd actually rather be ugly than fat
<milenko> hmm i dont think so
<milenko> you can lose fat
<milenko> BUT YOU CANT LOSE UGLY!

 

<0oyeaho0> Hey, i have a new boyfriend.  hes so dreamy, and i'm so in love with him.  Hes so nice and sweet.  I just adore him.  I feel like ive known him forever.
<oaklandfoo1> where's he from?
<0oyeaho0> uh, im not sure.

 

<SoulBain> I think my keyboard's unplugged.

 

(ori) I just watched the movie "Malcolm X"!!
(ori) but I have a question
(ori) What happend to the other nine malcolm movies?

 

<Scott> I thought they were all saying "Hi, Hitler!" Makes sense, since they're waving...

 

<KeeperS> one of the questions on there is "HOW MANY SIDES DOES A TRIANGLE HAVE?"
<KeeperS> and it has a picture of a triangle
<KeeperS> and then 4 answer choices
<KeeperS> how do you get that wrong?

 

<Tim3WorX> somtimes
<Tim3WorX> when i'm naked
<Tim3WorX> and alone
<j4yj0hn> dont finish that sentence

 

<Messiah> I remember what's her name
<Messiah> ok granted obviously not that well

 

<DoctorRiff> captain planet didnt teach me to save the earth, it taught me to stab hippies for giving me crap cartoons

 

Tool2004: she said i seem "cuddly"
Espn0013: like a walrus

 

<Kazeuri> That would rock to live in a cave back in the day. I would still rather be a pirate though.
<Kazeuri> I guess I have to settle for internet pirate. Yarrr, sail the seven ISPs.

 

<intokbles> sorry, i cant understand...
<intokbles> im from argentina,
<nobody> its ok jose
<intokbles> and my english it`s not so goof
<nobody> : )
<nobody> actually it is goof

 

<Fryth> anyone seen the movie pi?
<Murdock> I saw it 3.14 times.

 

<OS|flu> aww poor canadian soldiers
<iZac> canadian soldiers? is it oxymoron night?
<enntee> you're here, so it's just moron night.

 

<Dunrick> My iq is 20/20

 

<ruumis> FBI says upcoming terror attack will be "Spectacular!"...Donald Rumsfeld is calling it a "Must See", and Tom Ridge says, "If you heed just one Terror Warning this year...heed this one !"

 

<b1u3> when i was in like 5th grade, a DARE cop came to visit our class
<b1u3> he was going through his whole deal like 'yes im a real police officer, and this is a real gun on my belt, and if you try to grab it im trained to break your arm upon reflex' and of course we had a doped up kid with ADD in our class who only heard 'this is a real gun, try to grab it'

 

<Grim13> Mariah Carey's cleavage got nominated for "Worst onscreen couple"

 

<Rivorus> my dad actually called the other day, and he goes "You want to talk to mom" so I say "yeah" and then I hear him shout "Gina, you wanna talk to your son" and I hear her in the back say  "I'm watching TV right now, I'll talk to him at Christmas" and my dad's like "She's... in the shower"

 

<Birk> Since you know, you get to choose a name when you are pope
<Birk> If I ever became pope I would choose the name Perri.
<Birk> So then people would call me pope perri, and they would be forced to laugh whenever saying my name.

 

<Bubbs-> arg, too... much, garlic bread... breast, stinks
<Bubbs-> er...breath

 

<[Ht]Fro> Here in canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless...it's called winter

 

<_Tenchi_> i also start feeling old when i see all these new fangled colors in
           M&Ms and Lucky Charms
<Vulpyne> Didn't they only used to be like brown and yellow?
<_Tenchi_> yeah
<_Tenchi_> these days i cant tellw hether im eating M&Ms or skittles
<rs> tenchi:  mix 'em together and you've got S&Ms

 

<TNK> sweden is the most wasted land in the world- so many beautiful girls, and because it's cold there they wear too many clothes =]

 

<Ronwe> I never claimed to have a good memory....
<Malice> Maybe you did. It's not like you'd remember.

 

<oblique> i dated a canadian once
<Znutar> Did you get a refund?

 

<Dice> I've done it
<Dice> I've made a calculate
<Dice> calculater*
<Prothe|Studying> make a spell check now

 

<Phix> 70lbs of plutonium fell into san francisco bay off some ship or something
<Phix> did it cause any freak deformities?
<Phix> well it is San Francisco

 

<`Kd> iv finally mastered my keyboars

 

<zer0man> i wish someone told me that having a girlfriend was going to be difficult
<zer0man> or if they told me that, I wish i listened

 

<@Gibbon> My cat had a better dinner than I did tonight.  It has "sliced duck with olives" ... I had a couple of bits of toast
<@Gibbon> there's something fundamentally wrong with that

 

<Atarax> Canada is the USA's largest national park

 

<ZXPKNOBB> I should make a cereal, where it is potato chips.
<ZXPKNOBB> And you must eat it in water, not in milk.
<ZXPKNOBB> It'll be called Gross Flakes.

 

<@blodyholy> do you know the importance of mixing caramel and honey and whipping creme together and heating it up in the microwave for 2 minutes and pouring it on your cat?

(Byron’s note: I have NO idea what this means… but I cracked up when I read it)

 

<Splortch> i should diet
<Komando> chop off the t and just die

 

The_Loser_: Lol. 2 Ads just came on TV. The first one shows a cowboy guy telling me how I can find all my holiday gifts for everyone at "Tractor Supply." and then at the end he says "Hope y'all have a good christmas." and after that, an Ad for the flea market came on. - Thank you for the brutal reminder that I'm in a Southern State. *puke*

 

<toe2toe> the part i like is where IRAQ's going "we got nothing"
<toe2toe> and US is going "PFFFT WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU OUT"
<toe2toe> and then
<toe2toe> North Koreas going "CHECK OUT OUR NUKES, BUDDY"
<toe2toe> and US is going "Hey... are you iraq? no? THEN STAY OUT OF IT"

 

<dan> what the hell is a ponzi scheme
<brian-w> where you go into a meeting with a leather jacket and go 'Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!'
<brian-w> and they give you money

 

<hypr> ¿
<LkTruth1> hypr is confused in Spanish.

 

<Dejocko> I lose 50 IQ points when i talk to girls, no fair
<GIJosh> you had 50?

 

<myles> i just wanna go to court and be on the plantiff side for once

 

TwilightKnight00: hey can you do me a favor
Dr SpaZZo: no.
Dr SpaZZo: Go on.

 

<Goldath> I just made a sandwich with enough meat to kill a large bird
<Goldath> Oh wait, it did
<Goldath> Hahaha, stupid turkey

 

<zathras> This game of rhymes is eating at my brain, I beg of thee, sir, for the love of god, refrain!
<Deliphos> I cannot! In my blood it doth runneth! Hush thee now, lest I cap with my gunneth!

 

<Emilia> i didn't think i was going to do better than the 100 gallons of bean dip for the prison
<Skiltron> man, you never get good bean dip when you buy by the gallon
<darker> I bet it makes good spackle though
<Skiltron> it spackles your intestines closed

 

CreeDi: I made a joke to this chick about how she was grumpy because she was
beaten a lot as a child, and it turns out she really was.
CreeDi: I felt about as big as a keebler elf testicle.

 

<KingHenry> castrated men live longer
<Phuser> but do castrated men really live?

 

(PrimoPyro) sometimes I talk on the phone when im on the crapper =)
(PrimoPyro) *bloop*
(PrimoPyro) "what was that?"
(PrimoPyro) ahh.. I dropped an ice cube in my drink...

 

<vmob_babe> french is a beautiful language.
<agent_rot> i dont like it
<vmob_babe> why is that?
<agent_rot> cuz i dont like words like 'bourdoeux' or whatever are "bordo"
<vmob_babe> hmm.
<agent_rot> theyre just trying to cheat at scrabble i tell you!

 

<guyen> dammit i'm not going to be home this weekend, i have an online exam i have to take, but i'll be in LA
<guyen> there's a wedding going on so i won't be able to exactly just do it at my relative's house
<guyen> i'm looking for cybercafes and stuff, the only thing i can find is some place called Yogi's Cyber Hut
<guyen> holy crap i can't believe i'm depending on Yogi for my midterm grade
<xan> at least he's smarter than the average bear

 

(Byron’s note: Clinton-era joke here)
<Berzerker> hey
<Berzerker> you hear about the new game they play at the white house?
<Berzerker> swallow the leader.

 

<slackor> maybe, send me your pic first. last person i met off the net turned out to be 12 FBI agents

 

<kyourek> KEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEE!!
<DrWoody> ... What?
<kyourek> Just practicing my karate.

 

<AkumaUsagi> because every scoobie doo episode could have been 1 minute long if only someone would have eventually bought a gun.

 

<Kamz-History-X> where do bad folks go when they die?
<Lid> into politics.

 

<gord> i dont like you
<gord> and if i met your mom i probly woudlnt like her either

 

<JungleMason> There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.
<Gabealicious> Have you tried epoxy?
<JungleMason> Yes, and the smell reminds me of you.
<Gabealicious> Or... maybe some of that spray foam insulation...
<JungleMason> I LOVE that stuff.
<Gabealicious> me too!
<JungleMason> Tastes GREAT on a Triscuit.
<Gabealicious> Yes ... some folks call it 'ez cheez'
<JungleMason> Burger King calls it "Ranch Dip."

 

<Amber> Hey would you ever date a girl who was ugly as hell but rich?
<crunchyfish> Would you?
<MechaMrEd> Why, are you rich?

 

<gig103> I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares?  How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

 

<iora> i steal no hearts.
<iora> brains are more valuable on the black market.

 

<Infe> what happens if you try to recharge an alkaline battery
<HomerJ> blows up
<Andrigaar> Don't they explode?
<Andrigaar> I wonder if it's violent or just some leaking battery acid.
<Infe> i think it's all a scam to get you to pay more for 'rechargeables' and ---
<Infe> AHHHHHHHHHHH MY FACE
<Infe> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

<Gatsby> Glutamate to Lysine aat 487!
<Insom_BF> what I can't figure out
<Insom_BF> is how you manage to spell glutamate and lysine, but misspell 'at'

 

<CompGod> If crime doesn't pay, is my job illegal?

 

<Volt9000> here's soemthing really mean to do to a random fat person on the street: if you're approaching them from the front, as you get near, start drifting towards them, going "woooaaaH' then start circling around them, screaming "I CANT BREAK ORBIT, CAPTAIN!!"

 

<Alipha> ..can you fax me some paper for my printer?

 

<Hawkeye> Spiderman reminds me of adolesence. One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.

 

<J.Rai> Mr Pibb. - He's like Dr. Pepper without the degree.

 

<QuaKed_Oatmeal> i always wanted to be an evil genious\
<QuaKed_Oatmeal> ever since i saw all those james bond movies...
<Shatai> You could start by spelling genius right ;)

 

<MadManDaz> I bought one of those camouflage shirts and put it in my closet. Now I can't find it.

 

<Yurmaster> I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

 

<nwa_> someone sniff me and send me a copy of all the info you collect, i am most interested
<beeMind> nwa_: I've been sniffing you and I have some info. You smell funny.

 

(@icono) what is it youre mad at?
(NecroMort) women
(@icono) all women or just the ones who won't sleep with you
(NecroMort) same thing ;)

 

<LilGCube740-> im not an idiot i just dont like things that are too comlicated

 

(@CitizenC): I'd pay $100 US to shoot a cow with a rocket launcher.

 

<Arky> im a repeat stupid
<Arky> haha funnily enough..i didn't mean to type stupid :/ i meant to type student...i guess we can see why im repeating now can't we....

 

<gerald> i am hungr
<antiuser> so hungry you ate a letter y?

 

<Spike> You know what I want to do? I want to go on eBay and buy all the
souvenier pieces of the Berlin wall, then reconstruct it along the Mexican border

 

<rock> hey
<Capn_Panic> hey
<Shockster> hey
<Capn_Panic> it's fat albert!

 

<Mercster>   ever shot a Glock?
<Eppy>   i don't know any glocks, but if they're like most people i've met, i probably wouldn't mind squeezing off a few rounds at them

 

<+The_Steel> I scored a 96% on the procrastination test
<+The_Steel> I'm not suprised
<+emul8or_> i put off the procrastination test till tomorrow

 

<bytraper> sheesh... I crashed the last company car I had :/
<bytraper> I pulled the sun visor down and a spider with 15 legs dropped from it
<girlie-> 15 legs.. lol
<Dark_un> thats almost 2 spiders

 

<DB> So, anyone have a secret to immortality they would like to share with me?
<Nidoking> Don't die.

 

(@Bean): rofl
(@Bean): I asked my g/f too marry me, she took me seriously

 

<Targaff> nem1: i've got the solution to your little
<Targaff> problem
<DrtySOUTH> viagra?

 

<qtpielucy2002> what country do dutch people live?
<udderbalm> dutchovia.
<qtpielucy2002> really?

 

<SaraMarie> the houston texans
<SaraMarie> how original
<toast_> do they have an open container as a mascot?

 

<circle> one place was offering like $2500 if u let them cut off a toe and re-attach it
<McMoo> that's excellent
<circle> no kidding, i'd be like, "do all 10"

 

<A-KO> heh
<A-KO> so
<A-KO> what's the latest on Iraq? heh
<@crw> eh, apparently it's still there.
<@crw> we're working to rectify the problem :P
<A-KO> lol

 

<azrael69> why do all goths express their individuality the same?

 

<Bal> saw lotr2
<biff|JK2> u like Bal?
<Bal> when legolas calls out to gimli at the begining, i was expecting him to say 'come on silent bob'
<Lun> LOL

 

<Mercy> It's (assassinate the president) fun to annoy (charter a plane, pentagon) the NSA by (shoot George Bush) inserting crap into innocent (blow up congress) sentences.
<Mercy> Or so I've been (nuke Washington) told.
<@Ixnorp> One would think that the NSA would have slightly more advanced filtering techniques than regexp.
* Mercy Quit (Ping timeout)
<@Ixnorp> Or maybe not.

 

<Kirke> I had interests too
<Kirke> But they all ended in court

 

<NetShadow> this is going to sound pitiful... but can you tell me how to use a washing machine
(Byron’s note: When I was working at FedEx, I knew a guy… one night his wife called him and said ‘We have got to get a new dryer, this one is broken.’ So he starts going through the checklist over the phone. ‘Is it plugged in’, etc..Then he gets to the point where he asks about the lint screen. She says, ‘Lint Screen? What is that?’
He told me the next day that when he got home there was so much lint in there he could barely get the screen out of the machine. Ha haaaa! His wife didn’t know that there is a lint screen in the outtake of the dryer. He probably had enough lint in there to make a new suit!)

 

<chin> i got a solution, lets shoot homeless at the missles
<chin> that way the system pays for itself

 

<CrazyDe> some dude on ebay is threatening to sue me for copyright infringement
<Guilty> Did you claim to be the Real Slim Shady?

 

<xjeff> the other day a tree almost fell on my house!
<xjeff> a big tree
<Mithandir> better luck next time

 

<CreepingDeath> what was that other guy
<CreepingDeath> during WWII
<CreepingDeath> he was in charge of the concentration camps
<CreepingDeath> argh can't remember his name
<Malek> colonel klink?

 

<kegpin> I gotta go.
<Krebstar> ok, get better soon, keg.
<puppyfish> aww... is keg sick?
<Krebstar> nope. I just think he could be better than he is.

 

<ilde> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

<Compn> i have an acoustic guitar or whatever the non electic ones are called

 

<Puff-working> I play the banjo..never learned fiddle..but I might someday.
<Puff-working> and I can make a harmonica sing.
<Unfor|Work> I play the CD player

 

<StarThorn> Leave it to the computer programmers to shorten the "Year 2000 Millennium Bug" to "Y2K."  Isn't that what caused this problem in the first place?

 

<Frodo1234> Although it turns out that "non-toxic" isn't synonomous with "great for snacking" when it comes to toys
<Frodo1234> Even though they say that bubble blowing fluid is non toxic, apparently you're still not supposed to chug it

 

<midi> I wonder how hard it'd be to piece together clips from hogan's heroes into a mentos commercial.
(Byron’s note: I have no idea what this means either, but it is the second Hogan’s Heroes reference I saw today, so I thought I’d include it here)

 

<clay> my car is immobile
<ryanwrk> doesnt that go against the whole point of a car existing
<clay> i can push it around

 

<Rage> Best pickup line ever is "Hey, does this smell like chloroform?"

 

<{Work}Logan> It feels like quitting time, and one should trust one's feelings.

 

( StillSearching ) time to feed my cat, she’s bugging me
( StillSearching ) what is it about cats where they know you are reading something, so they have to walk all over it?
( StillSearching ) how do i uninstall that feature?
( [F] ) with a hammer

 

<Thrasher> What drugs should be used to increase statistics in my game?
<Ear> Well, beta-blockers would have a positive effect on accuracy, but a negative effect on strength.
<Ear> Acebutolol hydrocholoride, alprenolol hydrocholoride, atenolol, labetalol hydrochloride, metoprolol tartrate, nadolol, oxprenolol hydrochloride, propranolol hydrocholoride, sotalol hydrocholoride are the beta-blockers banned by the IOC.
<Thrasher> ...Remind me not to ask you for help again.

 

<Spengler> you know what?
<Spengler> the matrix would have been a really bad movie if he took the blue pill.

 

<FuseGirl> life is like a toilet roll, when it's near the end, you panic

 

<@frosty[bong]> its December!!!
<@kmad> sweet
<@kmad> only 14 months till feburary

 

<Phuser> Someone asked me if I knew what time it was today
<Phuser> I said, Yes, but not right now.

 

<meohmy> at the end of the day its smokers that keep the hospitals running

 

<CHAT Phut>  I'm a rebel.
<CHAT Phut>  Yesterday, I crossed the street and I only looked TO THE LEFT!
<CHAT Phut>  (you are supposed to look both ways)

 

<The_Atari> I also hear they're making a Back to the Future 4
<[-FcG-]aawis> he goes back in time to fix his parkinsons desease

 

<Ed> I like those upside-down ketchup bottles.
<Ed> They were a long time coming, but still.
<IQpierce> They were mentioned in Revelation, as a sign of the Apocalypse.
<IQpierce> "And yea, the moon shall become as fire, and fall into the sea, and the ketchup bottles, they shall invert themselves, and the winged bears shall pull the arms from the sockets of the faithful, in thy mercy."
<IQpierce> direct quote.
<Ed> They're apocalyptically convenient!
<IQpierce> That's why their slogan for this campaign is "Apocalycious!"

 

<blade[fd]> i have this damn hole in my lips
<stolenrims|fd> yeah, that's your mouth

 

UFO19M: I’d burn her like a witch but I am afraid of the fumes

 

<Legind> I cant remember my earliest memory

 

<NIH> Dec 12 1917
<NIH> The worst train wreck in history, leaving 543 Frenchmen dead.
<NIH> Worst... or best?

 

<Waynebo> Today was haiku day in English class!
<Waynebo> My haiku was Guy in front of me/ Does not know he is asian/ Karate chop him
<Waynebo> The guy in front of me's haiku was Guy behind of me / Wants to karate chop me/ I am very scared

 

<Wooben> So she called me and i told her she was really ugly
<Wooben> so that was the end of that

 

<Funk> I think the puppet on the left supports my views. No, I think the puppet on the right supports my views the best. Hey, they're both held by the same man! GO BACK TO SLEEP AMERICA, YOUR GOVERNMENT IS IN CONTROL
<craNKGod> WE NEED TO REVOLT
<Funk> Trust me, you Americans are revolting enough

 

<@Stapler[BTEG]> I'll be 19 in exactly one month.
<+Stinger> Stapler[BTEG]: whens your birthday?
<@Stapler[BTEG]> Stinger: Add one month.

 

<_Obi-Wan_> so what should we discuss?
<Liquid> ....hmm....Ebonics!
<_Obi-Wan_> ebonics?
<Andy_Hock> The disease?

 

(Craig): watching something on suicide bombers on discovery
(doggie^): lol
(doggie^): wonder how they managed that
(doggie^): not many people to interview or anything

 

<jenwolf> i remember when it was a big deal when we got our first color TV
<jenwolf> my dad was like, now you can see that the pink panther is pink!!

 

<extremist> strep?
<extremist> that thing where girls take their clothes off?

 

<Drugdown> Everyone makes mistakes.
<Fleebis> Especially you.


* Derek_ thinks costa ricans are wierd
<matts> I think people who spell weird "wierd" are weird


<Zardoz> cool. calculated pi to 18 decimal places.
<Trucci> know what would have been cooler?
<Trucci> ANYTHING


<Spooky42> omg i just stabbed myself in the face with a corncob holder thing
<Funky_> hahahahahahah
<Funky_> is it bad?
<Spooky42> its bleeding a little..
<Funky_> :(
<Spooky42> i got butter on it too :(
<Funky_> ok...
<Funky_> so... WHY did you stab yourself in the face with a corncob holder thing?
<Spooky42> im not sure quite how it happened :(
<Funky_> wtf
<Funky_> you don't know how you stabbed yourself in the face?
<Spooky42> i was eating corn. and it slid out of the corncob and i went to slide it in real quick and it didnt line up with the previous holes and it slid off into my cheek
<Funky_> HAHAHAHAH
<Spooky42> it hurts!
<Funky_> sorry
<Funky_> It's just too funny
<Spooky42> i dropped my corn too!


<PsykoFaerie> everyone got into discussions about how i must have an eating disorder
<monk[e]> psyko, if you throw up right after eating... intentionaly... you have an eating disorder
<Aelhaeran> Pysko: and if your prone to sharp, stabbing pains in your eye after a meal, chances are you have a fork lodged in it 

 

<DavidGilmour> Some people are like Slinkies... generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

<Crimson_Dynamo> If I were stranded on a desert isle, I think I would make a girl out of coconuts, but she'd probably just want to be friends

 

<+k\o\w> for some reason, ever since I was a young kid I wanted to hatch an egg
<+k\o\w> I would steal them from the fridge
<+k\o\w> and sit on them for hours
<+k\o\w> but they never hatched
<+k\o\w> and I would cry

 

<mov> DAL: u seen 2001 - A space odyssey?
<DAL9000> that has to be the stupidest question i've ever heard

 

<supers> one of the tv guide cross word makers died
<supers> i guess they buried him 6 down and 6 across

 

< froggie> how frequently do chest infections kill asthmatics?
< punchcard> no more than once i would guess

 

<Slasher> Remember that some of us have a social life...
<Crusher> Social life? Where can I download that?

 

<Screwy> I went on a 30-day diet
<Screwy> and lost 30 days

 

<FyNXeR> Pardon my spelling... but I'm from Sweden
<sumbody> pardon my accent, i am from southeast asia
<DrMonkey> pardon my shotgun, i'm from west virginia

 

< Scribble> Must be interesting to live with the animal that ruined your life.
< Scribble> ...
< Scribble> Ask any married guy.

 

<Burned> Its stuff like the Columbia shuttle disaster that really brings you down to earth

 

<Aboo> we have enough youth, how about a fountain of 'smart'

 

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

 

<GrndZero> "China has already cloned human embryos"
<GrndZero> Go china
<xscope> yeah..thats what China needs..more people.

 

<jstepka> there is nothing about you a complete personality change couldn’t fix.

 

<StrScream> jeremy: as long as you're going postal, can you find out why I haven't gotten any mail for 3 days?

 

(@virt) cracker barrel is the most hilarious name for a place where a bunch of white people go

 

<TNK> sweden is the most wasted land in the world- so many beautiful girls, and because it's cold there they wear too many clothes

 

<Kitsa> heh, you want to see something funny, closed-caption the news.
<Kitsa> "twenty people were taken to the emergency room after touching debris"
<Kitsa> translates to
<Kitsa> "twently people were taken to emerge in see room after touching the brie."
<Kitsa> the deaf must think we're insane.

 

<Ash> Anybody can get a girlfriend, just like anybody can get a job. Most likely he has a "minimum wage" girlfriend.

 

<_molly_> I only shower when I   A: smell, or   B: fall into the mud
<melf> Does B happen a lot ?

 

<Halcr0> If I had a knife, I'd shoot you

 

<jan^beer> it seems like i have a problem every weekend with a different girl
<jan^beer> I NEED A STABLE RELATIONSHIP!!
<+Burned> a horse ?

 

<sora> I don't think goths are evil and satanic, I think they're pitiful and irritating. Like street mimes, only not as much fun to set on fire with kerosene.

 

<Ak> Today, a blind man who was begging for change addressed me as I walked past.
<Ak> I gave him a quarter, and he said "thank you kind sir"
<Ak> then, he asked me what time it was, so out of habit, i held up my watch.
<Ak> He said, "11:56? Thanks buddy."

 

<Fugazi> Like I said before, I never repeat myself!

 

<cORBIT> when i sneeze it sounds like a kung fu movie

 

<HSOK> my dad just came up stairs, he said i was playing my music too loud
<HSOK> im using headphones

 

<ziz> i wrote a haiku
<ziz> but it is not very good
<ziz> so i won't share it
<Nastard> i wrote one myself
<Nastard> it is much better than yours
<Nastard> i should write some more

 

<Bloaty121> hmm i was just watching a jif commercial and now i want a peanut butter sandwich
<|404notfound> They're brainwashing you, watch out.
<Bloaty121> but i'm hungry
<|404notfound> That's what they want you to think.

 

<bliP> dammit, why can't the guys next door who don't wear shirts be chicks

 

<Moony>I bet it can't compare to two sprained ankles, a dislocated bone, and a swollen knee
<MadHAtter> How the hell did that happen?
<Moony>  I was walking. Then I wasn't.

 

<Jason_Bee> we'd probably all die if the stock market crashed
<Mugworm> well yeah, if it crashed right into your house

 

<Art`> I don't want to work with people, I'm not a big people person
<Saccy> I thought you wanted to be a surgeon?
<Art`> Well they're under general anaesthetic, I don't have to talk to them.

 

<Focusyn> hmm there are chicks on my floor named Johnnie, Scott and Brett
<@SJr|Tecra> tell them that after the operations they are suppose to pick girls names.

 

<Surtur> so.. i saw david bowie two nights ago...
<Surtur> t'was good.
<|Wolf|> in concert?
<Surtur> oh yeah.
<|Wolf|> disregard what i just asked
<Surtur> no just walked into my bathroom and there he was, in the tub!
<AlumaSqrl> hahaha
<AlumaSqrl> floating face down

 

<enajyram> support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.

 

<FLB> Since you have a civic, if I win the lottery one day...
<FLB> I'm gonna buy both of your neighbours new cars to park beside your civic

 

<TheThree> your special?
<Mj> you're
<TheThree> sorry my grammer sucks
<Mj> grammar
<TheThree> as dose my spelling
<Mj> does
<TheThree> i give up
<Mj> I

 

<devoid> did you know that dell dude got busted for pot
<devoid> it confuses me because i always thought marijuana was a gateway drug

 

<Greggorian> is it a big book?
<Jakeb> take your hand and make a tight fist
<Jakeb> now move it up till it's a foot in front of your face
<Jakeb> now hit yourself in the face as hard as you can
<Jakeb> that's what if would feel like if i hit you in the face with that book, cause it's pretty big

 

<Glasses> Quebec is on fire?
<Glasses> I'm sure the rest of Cananda won't be too upset...
<Paul> Upset? They started it!

 

<SkyKing> freudian whip
<SkyKing> i mean slip
<SkyKing> doh

 

<cinnabar> tv rots the mind, destroys the imagination, promotes obsesity, and encourages commercialism.
<jazzstepa> its the american way

 

ashie is already starting to miss senior year of high school
<ashie> i cut school so much, i'd end up coming in on holidays, not knowing there was no school

 

<[-FcG-]Digger> LOLOLOL, Some lady just called my cell and was like "Hi I'd like to place an order"  So I took it!  She's gonna be pissed when the pizza doesn't arrive.
<[-FcG-]Digger> LMAO CLASSIC
<[-FcG-]Digger> Oh man, I RULE!

 

<Skier`> oops
<Skier`> I just opened the door to let my cat in, and it wasn't my cat
<Skier`> there's a strange cat curled up on my couch now

 

<Shuichi> but i'm an optimist
<Slick_Wil> so glass half full then?
<Shuichi> are you implying i have a drinking problem Slick_Wil?

 

<smileygirl> you say
<^haploid^> Wow, a subject *and* a verb. You are getting very close to composing complete sentences. I applaud you.

 

<slinky> i ordered a pizza
<slinky> the pizza guy came and brought the pizza, he said: "there was no address, but i figured it was for you"
<slinky> maybe i order too regularly or something

   

<rouge> you vegetarian?
<AlmtyBob> yeah
<rouge> i'm sorry.

 

(Byron’s note: the following is a classic record of idiocy, along the lines of ‘Who’s on First’. Except that <olah> is actually so stupid he does not know what ‘dunno’ means)
 <olah> what does 'dunno' mean?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> anyone else?
<goof> i said i don't know
<olah> yeah, i saw...but does anyone else know what it means?
<goof> I DON'T KNOW !!
<olah> yeah, i know
<goof> then why do you ask?!
<olah> because i want to know!
<goof> you said you DID know!
<olah> no, i know that you don't know
<goof> i KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
<olah> what, then?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> omg...DO you or DON'T you know?!
<goof> i means: I DON'T KNOW !!
<goof> aargh...stupid...

 

<er0s> you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when i thought i was wrong but was actually right.

 

<nroklost> your life is a lie
<somery> dude, i'm just talkin' about your mullet, don't get all existential on me

 

<Kilroy`> I had this blind date, her name was :. .:. : ... .::

 

<JohnnyZZ> my friend use to put his cat in a pillowcase and throw it down the stairs when we were little. the cat's name was Oscar. i used to to call him Oscar the grouch, because he was grouchy a lot of the time.
<Padijun> Maybe he was grouchy because you threw it down the stairs in a pillowcase, genius.

 

<Aiwa> I might be writing an editorial about the state of NASCAR and what led to Dale Earnhardt's death...
<Graphic_V> I'm guessing the wall.

 

<Red_Sky> It must have been a slow newsday. The headline for today's paper is 'Suicide Bomber Killed'.

 

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

 

<aberration> I hear they opened a wal-mart in china.... i can imagine the people who shop there... "Hey I just made that yesterday !"

 

<Space_Boy> 70% of statistics are made up on the spot

 

@(mhweaver) new philosophy on life:
@(mhweaver) "I may have to share this planet with animals, but I'm doing my damn best to eat every last one of them”

 

(Byron’s note: this is too funny to me. This guy <joet> has no idea what the peeps are talking about, nor does he know proper grammar)
*** joet (~joet@ilm25-44-179.ec.rr.com) has joined #javascript
<joet> hey
<Object> hey joe
<yossarian> where you going with that gun of yours?
<yossarian> hey joe, i heard you shot your woman down
<[Roosta]> shot her down to the ground?
<joet> umm huh?
<impatient> hey joe, where you gonna run to now?
<joet> I think you have me mistakened with somone else

 

<zhixel> I'd really like to meet a sane woman who doesn't have to
constantly rely on me for emotional support
<far_call> and I'd really like to be able to drive my car to jupiter

 

<griffin> im disappointed in my mom
<pagan> me too
<pagan> she did a bad job

 

Xian just heard a loud bang out side
<Xian> OMG
<Xian> THe pizza boy hit our car!
<Valv|tuba> WHAT?
<Boko> Is the pizza okay!?!?

 

<Dezmo> man, a coworker of mine had a blind date, so I offered to call him right after he met her so if she was ugly he could act like some emergency had come up and had to go
<Dezmo> so I call, and she answers the phone "is this the emergency phone call in case I'm a skank?"

 

<Zammbo> If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.

 

<Reno> I wonder who the joker is that is sending me such a huge e-male
<EIGHTBALL> an e-male?
<EIGHTBALL> damn
<EIGHTBALL> can I get an e-female anywhere?
<EIGHTBALL> preferrably not huge

 

<kmad> ppl should stop using worn-out cliches because they're not funny anymore
<}}T-DuB--> is that your final answer?

 

<xhg> we're not allowed to have dogs in our condo. But judging from some of the women present at the condo meeting, I'm not sure that bylaw is obeyed.

 

<DrWoody> Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.

 

<Ogredude> Radio Shack...  You've got questions, we've got blank stares.

 

<darw> where did they drop the hiroshima bomb?

 

<acetylcholine> if it's 2 things i hate it's racial profiling and arabs on my airplane

 

<boxed> "duh, do they have their own dollars in europe? I was to canada once, and they had their own dollars! can you believe that?"
<boxed> note that that's an actual quote from some people my dad met in the US once

 

<cj_> i hate it when someone at work has to point out to me that my shirt is both inside out and backwards.
<jej> is it?
<cj_> it is.
<cj_> i pulled the whole Fashion Statement routine..

 

<Kersus> we have to exchange presents at work. we had a $20 limit. So naturally
  I bought 20 dollars worth of kool-aid

 

<ShaneBe> i think i just realized what i have been doing wrong with my life.
<ShaneBe> i make goals... but the goals are things like:
<ShaneBe> "I am going to eat this 10-pack of tacos if it kills me."

 

<DmDragon> all my cars are haunted
<DmDragon> i had one car where the glove compartment would keep opening at random times
<DmDragon> so it opened once and i just finally said "ok then, stay open" well the car stalled out the radio turned on and off and the flashlights started flashing while the windshield wipers started
<DmDragon> so i slowly reached over and closed it.. then the car just went back to normal

 

<@drew> saceist is a kind of person who always has that dumb look on his face.
<@saceist> huh?

 


<MtDew> just get an air horn
<ttyR2> I happen to have one
<ttyR2> runs off a bottle of CO2 from my paintball gun
<MtDew> my parents used to have a small one sitting next to the phone
<MtDew> any telemarketer got a blast in their ear
<Magus> "Good day, sir, I represent the Hotsy Totsy Aluminum Siding Co., and...." HOOOOONK! "AAAGH!"
<MtDew> exactly
<Magus> nah, telemarketers are fun to play with
<Magus> my favorites are the credit card guys
<Magus> once I let one go thru his whole pitch, he thought he'd made a sale, then I asked
<Magus> "I just got out of prison 2 weeks ago for credit card fraud, will that hurt anything?"
<Magus> *click*

 

(markut) that this was a bicycly accident
(@El-Ztevo) bicycly? does that mean it kinda involved bicycles?

 

<Hawk> I'm gonna be tied up shortly...my brother and girlfriend are stopping by
<Roman> ...
<Monk> so which one's tying you up? your bro or your gf?

 

<axel026> i need help please
<^cell^> do you have an appointment?
<axel026> im french
<^cell^> i see... thats a terrible disorder

 

<aurikan> i got a pre-broken AOL cd in the mail today
<aurikan> how considerate of them
<aurikan> they saved me the trouble of breaking it

 

MultiColoredWiz: Science class was hilarious yesterday.
MultiColoredWiz: We were explaining parts of the body.
MultiColoredWiz: So the teacher puts her hands on her ass and says "What's this called? I will not accept A-S-S or butt."
MultiColoredWiz: I then raise my hand and say:
MultiColoredWiz: "Will you accept 'HUGE'?"

 

<Angel> Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer

 

<SaeNoDa> i mean, whats the point in cheating, right?
<mightyflo> winning?

 

<korinne> cows would live a lot longer if they werent made out of steaks and leather

 

[HumA] sepcial olympics are bad because its hard on the person who finishes last place.. i mean.. how much lower than that can you get

 

<Rafa> A Pirate walks into a bar.
<Rafa>The bartender says "Hey youve got a steering wheel in your crotch."
<Malkatov> The pirate says "Arrrr its driving me nuts"

 

<pritch> yeah well i do an english writing degree
<Linguica> do have

 

<DesPlesda>  I got turned down for a blind date with the excuse "I think we should see other people".
<Hugh> Yikes.
<DesPlesda> Somehow she picked up on my geekness from just my voice. Scary.
<DesPlesda> Maybe I shoudln't have started with 5 minutes of heavy breathing.

 

(Deathwing) I get to see a concert tomorrow, so there
(Lanfear) what concert?
(Deathwing) some guy who plays guitar for commercials
(zed) Wow, some guy who plays guitar for commercials.
(Deathwing) zed, he's one of the most famous guitarist in the world, actually
(Deathwing) up there with Joe Satriani, among others
(Lanfear) that's why you call him 'some guy'?

 

(dx) one of those sears telemarketers called me the other day
(dx) so i ordered sears siding for the condo complex across the street
(dx) they showed up
(dx) and knocked on the first condo
(dx) and the dude called the landlord
(dx) and he comes out
(dx) and starts screaming at them
(dx) sears calls me back and asks whats wrong and i told them i had no idea what they were talking about
(dx) sears never called me again
(Tbodd) ha ha haaaaaaaaa

 

<skiniminigirl> I wonder if a tall girl will shirnk if you throw her into the dryer
<Mike_Works> I wonder if a short girl will drown if you throw her in the washer

 

<Urban> Pardon my french
<@Rick> don't you mean "pardon my freedom"?

 

<Verchiani> whats a good word to get shaved into the back of your head??
<DeathJester> idiot

 

<Storm> ok, when my mom's friend was like 6, she was out waiting for the bus, also happened to be garbage pick-up day
<Storm> so anyways little kid is waiting for the bus, and her dog comes running out her house to see her, well...unfortunate timing placed the dog right in the street as the garbage truck was arriving
<Storm> so *BAM!* street pizza
<Storm> but then...the garbage man gets outta the truck....sees the dead dog...and just tosses it in the back of the truck, right infront of all the kids at the bus stop

 

<BadM0f0> Hello, this is a Polish virus. Since we do not have the technology to create a real virus, please delete all files on your home directory.

 

<pubatch> i saw the funniest thing last night
<pubatch> i was driving home and this guy walks out in the crosswalk when im barreling towards it
<pubatch> it turns out to be a blind guy with his big white stick, and a yellow jacket with SECURITY written on the back
<pubatch> i dunno what he was guarding but im pretty sure its stolen by now

 

<BlackHawk> LULU: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
<LULU> You wear pants don't you?

 

<Noplex> So Herne, what is your New years resolution?
<Herne> To stop talking to you?
<Noplex> You broke that already.
<Herne> Oops

 

(Byron’s note: ok, this borders on my standards of good taste for my site… but this was too funny to pass up)
<PhD> i got woken up by a freakin woodpecker today
<PhD> i thought someone was knocking on my door
<Katlizy> doesnt every guy get one of those in the morning?

 

 

<eddy> ahh this new keyboard is a pleasure to ype with
<eddy> oops type
<eddy> oh the irony

 

(drmatitis) ya, i've graduated from the rockstar mullet to the NASCAR mullet

 

<MicroChip> ok, so who's gonna win the superbowl?
<Chucker-away> the Yankees
<bishop> the sox
<MicroChip> you guys are so female

 

<VodkaV> lol, french tanks have six gears, 5 reverse, and one forward in case they are ever attacked from behind

 

<_sho_> Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

(Byron’s note: wait wait… I have another dyslexic joke…)

<JonM> I had dyslexia as a child, I wrote about it in my dairy...

(just one more)

<Tbodd> dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

 

<@Netwizard> Osamas dead
<@Burned> perhaps
<@Burned> i just dont want osama to keep releasing albums like Tupac

 

<DavidRei> Life is like an analogy  

 

<Jeff> I'm such a ditz, I dialed my phone number into the microwave

 

 <pengo> i dont really care if i'm not normal.. so long as i'm abnormal within the normal range of abnormality.

 

Soca: my neighbors and their dog need to die
Soca: I just tore up my front lawn with my truck trying to piss them off.  I hope it worked.
drnick: you tore up your own lawn trying to piss of the neighbours
drnick: hmm wheres the logic in that
Soca: Well, I made a lot of noise in the process
Deltan: Yea the joke's really on them with that one

 

<+{R3D}Hurricane> Fly Delta. Cause everyone else is bankrupt.

 

[@cOoke]: If there were a building that stood for average intelligence, you would be the plane that crashed into it

 

<Stugein> Headline:
<Stugein> Headless body in garbage bag discovered near Devil's Slide
<Stugein> First line of article:
<Stugein> The San Mateo County Sheriffs Office is treating Sundays gruesome discovery of a headless body as a homicide.
<Stugein> AS OPPOSED TO WHAT?!

 

<O.J.> Radio interview quote from Marine Corps General Reinwald and a female radio host. He wants to host some boy scouts at the training center for some practice excercises. As follows
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
<GENERAL REINWALD>: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

 

<tethfs> you're a bit dim, arent you?
<Hazza|1942> dim?
<tethfs> evidently so.

 

<geist> watching the Bridges of Madison County always evokes a lot of emotions in me
<p_digga> is vomit an emotion?

 

<Ih8tjon> throwing a match into like, a BUCKET of gasoline won't do anything.
<Ih8tjon> cause, you know, the liquid will actually put it out before it can burn stuff.
<marek> m'am, i've just informed the good people at the Darwin Awards. They promised me they'd keep an eye on you.

 

<Lyricwriter> Don't ask the guy with the bad memory
<Daniac> Who's that?
<Lyricwriter> You
<Daniac> Oh yeah

 

<TrashCanB0B> Oregon
<snowchyld> isnt orgeon a cookie ?
<snowchyld> wait
<snowchyld> thats an oreo

 

<Mort-Hog> How do u spell Encylop(a)edia?
<Flirbnic> Insyklepudier

 

<boster> what is a good crappy digital camera?
<ares> the oxymoron 500

 

<Abstruse> Bush: Iraq, you'd better get rid of your nuclear weapons or we'll bomb you!  Iraq: We don't have any nuclear weapons. 
N Korea: We do. 
Bush: Well then get rid of your chemical weapons! 
Iraq: We don't have those either! 
N Korea: Ummm...we have nukes now. 
Bush: We KNOW you've got chemical and nuclear weapons!  Get rid of them! 
Iraq: Even if we did, which we don't, we can't even hit the USA! 
N Korea: We can nuke California all we want.
Bush: Shuddup North Korea, no one cares!  Iraq, you'd BETTER disarm! 
Iraq: But we don't HAVE anything! 
N Korea: Oh forget it it, blow up Los Angeles... 
Bush: Iraq, I'm warning you... 
*BOOM*
<doppelganger> bush: "we are sick and tired of your missiles hitting us, iraq...but we cant understand why they are flying in from the pacific ocean!" 
north korea: "he CAN'T be that stupid." 
saddam: apparently he is.  i myself havent even made any missile that goes beyond walking distance."

 

<Lith> im tellin ya.. im sitting on a land mine
<Lith> err
<Lith> gold mine

 

<funknut> I like my women like I like my coffee.
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?

 

<Consolelover> I need a life.
<Consolelover> Don't get me wrong, my current one's fine.
<Consolelover> I'm just greedy.

 

<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

 

<CurlyEars> sorry....I am a bit compulsive about spelling an grammar

 

<TURBOMEAT> my car caught fire.
<TURBOMEAT> I tried to flick a cigarette out the window
<TURBOMEAT> and it was only like 1/4 down
<TURBOMEAT> so it bounced off the window and went under the seat
<TURBOMEAT> 2 streets later there was smoke billowing out from under me
<TURBOMEAT> it landed on some paper
<TURBOMEAT> then started to burn the material under the seat
<TURBOMEAT> I wish someone had TOLD me smoking could be hazardous

 

<CheesyPoofs> cheese is good
<CheesyPoofs> I mean "cheese is gouda"
<CheesyPoofs> actually that's not quite true - gouda is cheese
<CheesyPoofs> money is good
<CheesyPoofs> therefore, money is cheese
<CheesyPoofs> which is why it's so good
<sabia> okay whatever you say
<CheesyPoofs> I'm leaving out the technical details

 

<Actinium> so she's like "hey" and i swooned, drooled, and wet my pants
<Actinium> and I came back with "hello"
<Actinium> i think it's love

 

<@unlord> yah I've gotten good at typing in the past few dasy

 

<Match> eyeglass repair kits are so stupid
<H4Z3> how so?
<Match> if someone needs to fix their glasses, then obviously they can’t see too well. if they know this, why would they make them so small and hard to find?
<H4Z3> umm... ‘cause then it would be a normal screwdriver
<Match> that’s not what i mean. i know that they have to be small, but why cant they make them more visible. like packaging them in bright red?
<Match> or putting one of those things on them that when you clap it beeps?
<H4Z3> ‘cause that would seem equally stupid. just imagine someone walking around their house, squinting and clapping repeatedly.
<H4Z3> 'what the hell are you doing?'  'Oh, I just need to fix my glasses.'

.

[bigya] I am Tawain
[bigya] so
[bigya] I don't english
[Ccmods] Obviously.

 

<Elfin> Santa Claus broke in through my window last night.
<Kashan> did he leave you a new window?

 

<JuicyClawter> I once threw a cat out of a five story building.  I'm not sure if it landed on its feet, because I was too high up to see.

 

<hawker> just grab a gun then...
<hawker> end your misery...
<TomServo> shooting my boss?
<TomServo> good idea!

 

<skrike> Ill probably just go into work next week and kill everyone
<pozer> I do that all the time.
<pozer> We're hiring, by the way!

 

<Howdizzle> I put the Laughter in Slaughter

 

<burn_prom_girl> our fridge is outside because we got our kitchen tiled
<burn_prom_girl> and it’s in a puddle of water
<burn_prom_girl> thats bad right ?
<burn_prom_girl> and i shouldn’t step in the water around the frigde ?
<burn_prom_girl> it’s plugged in
<ikari> water doesnt conduct electricity
<ikari> it's an urban myth
<ikari> go dance in the puddle

 

<qp_zulrich-EE> both hitler and bush got the power... only one had a brain
<samurai> bush has a brain
<samurai> its just really really small
<V|JFreak> dude, he WAVED at stevie wonder...
 

<cali310> I heard the most ridiculous comment ever made by a newscaster last night on fox...
<cali310> He said, "the Iraqis have hundreds of seasoned suicide bombers"
<cali310> How does one become a seasoned suicide bomber?

 

<badnews> We smokers have to stick together.  We're a dying breed...oh...wait...

 

<Murr> I received a fascinating insight into government operations today
<drm> hows that?
<Murr> ordered some maps from the california geological survey 2 weeks ago
<Murr> received them 1 week ago
<Murr> and got a call today from a lady who had problems reading my credit card #

 

<Karva> Canada doesn't even have a space program
<Eight> uh
<Eight> yeah we do! We actually do a lot of manufacturing of parts for them shuttles.
<Eight> I mean uh…
<Tbodd> Like the Challenger and the Columbia?
<FrankieShoelaces> ha hahaaaaa

 

<JustyUekiTylor> that would be cool, they need bat signals for women... like "The Mood Signal" then you can see it from miles away... so like you could be all like "hey bill, isn't that your wife's mood signal? you better not make too much noise coming home tonight!”

 

<studmuffn> one day i will find a way to implant annoying songs in other peoples heads
<studmuffn> it will be my supervillian power
(Byron’s note: I am actually going to use this in a comic I am working on)

 

<freakar> In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man likes to snicker and yell "Polo!"

 

<stern_7> on CNN, story number 1: North Korea has a nuke.
<stern_7> story number 2: Does standing on your head cure hiccups?
<stern_7> This is what happens when AOL is allowed to own the news.

 

<SUPAR> i wonder if unicorn farts smell like potpourri?

 

<Tbodd> There are only two ways of dealing with women...and neither of them work

 

<grem> i even told my engrish teacher my dog ate my homework so i was forced to gut it
<grem> but it was half digested so she owed me a dog

 

<PercyKittenz> Is it war yet?
<Nacho> after this commercial break

 

<Bmann> -sigh- was looking for my chap stick blindly and picked up a battery and started rubbing it on my lips

 

<guyen> so she gets pulled over, and as the bike cop walks up to her, she asks "are you going to at least try to sell me a ticket to the highway patrolmen's ball?"
<guyen> then the cop goes "highway patrolmen don't have balls, ma'am"
<guyen> and she busts out laughing, he finally gets it and just turns around, gets on his bike, and rides away without another word
<guyen> she just sits in her car laughing for like five minutes before she starts her car again
<guyen> if i'dve tried to say something like that he would have gone LAPD on me

 

<FeralWolf> actually, many Canadians do mock the Columbia disaster
<AriaStargazer> Pff
<AriaStargazer> they're just jealous because the closest thing they'll ever have to a space program is the annual beaver tossing contest

 

<Wynn> Hey, my face is my fortune.. and that's why I'm broke.

 

<Psifire> I got out of the shower and put my universal studios shirt on.
<Psifire> And something occured to me.
<Vykuzich> pants?

 

<Dekon> Florida is holding the election hostage until we quit sending old people

 

<LkTruth1> I am the most intelligence person in this channel.

 

<cursedgenie>  i have pins and needles in my foot
<Draco889> what did you put them in there for?

 

< espo> this movie would be better if Mel Brooks made it
< h2odragon> schindler's list?

 

<FlyNavy> why does every crisis our country has have to have a catchy title, graphic, and it's own theme song?

 

<EmpressMay> When I was 5, I was in Radio Shack's battery club.
<RegEdit> The first rule about battery club is you do not talk about battery club.

 

<arpee> um
<arpee> i have a charge on my account from 11/12/02
<arpee> oh
<arpee> i guess that's the next business day
<arpee> nevermind
<arpee> i was afraid people from the future were stealing my money

 

<Edge> Sense we're going to be using all the correct grammer and everything.
<Jon> Since.
<Edge> Sense
<Jon> And the word is grammar.
<Edge> Since isn't a word!

 

<GC> What does NASA stand for?
<GC> Need Another Seven Astronauts

 

<cuebol> I've yet to see the bald guy on Mr. Clean products come alive and help me with the chores.
<synec> inhale the fumes more deeply

 

<sit`> one of my female coworkers remarked about how i was cutting up my apple with great care so i said "you have to treat it like a woman, cut it in thin slices"
<sit`> that didn't go over too well, for some reason

 

<maywood> Has a PC ever been known to start mysteriously working after it was thrown out a window?
<kevin> Nope, I've never known throwing a PC out the window to help. However, what I did find while I was working at my last job was that intimidation *does* work. When I was having a particularly bad day, I used to take some old equipment that we wouldn't have been able to sell outside, and go Office Space on it. Then, I'd bring the carcass inside, and leave it in plain view, to serve as a warning for the other computers. It worked remarkably well.

 

AlexKN3: i'll be a laughting stuck
AlexKN3: stick
Davey: STOCK YOU IDIOT

 

@(F|uid) candlelight dinners suck
@(F|uid) i cant see my food

 

<Sigma> being Rod Stewart would be awesome
<Sigma> he gets all these hot chicks
<Sigma> the only bad thing would be is that you would be Rod Stewart

 

<voidnull> Computers destroyed my life. Today when my mom told me to get up, I asked her for the password.

 

<*kraken> my mom sent me an email
<*kraken> and in it at one point she said
<*kraken> "i saw that they have personal ads on the internet...ever thought of placing one?"
<*kraken> THANKS MOM!

 

<Rjx> "Funeral" is an anagram for "Real Fun"
<Rjx> Go Figure.

 

<biatch> he tells me how he's cheated on two of his girlfriends
<biatch> then when i email him telling him i'm back with luke
<biatch> he's all disappointed
<biatch> and he's like
<biatch> "i told you about the girls i cheated on because i wanted you to TRUST me"

 

<RadAghazt> I bought rice vinegar to make sushi. Now to figure out how.
<RadAghazt> Ok.
<RadAghazt> There are instructions on the bottle, but...
<RadAghazt> they're in Japanese.
<RadAghazt> At least I think they're instructions.
<RadAghazt> This might say "death to all gaijin with this poisoned export rice vinegar" for all I know.

 

<Sterring> please , I don't really understand english expression cause I'm not so good in english....
<Sterring> use simple words
<Nickname> you stupid

 

<RvLeshrac> I wonder about stores that get shot up in movies.
<RvLeshrac> What do they say when it's all over with?
<RvLeshrac> "Hello, Mutual Insurance? Yes, I'd like to know if my policy covers gangland shootouts."

 

<Ein|sk00l> Is it too much to ask for ONE hot shower a week?
<Staberinde> Yes
<Staberinde> But then I live in California
<Staberinde> Where it’s too much to ask for electricity at least once a week

 

<Denyerec> Welcome to Britain, the USA's largest non-nuclear aircraft carrier!

 

<faR_away-> my dad doesn’t know how to use a cordless phone…
<faR_away-> i hand him the phone saying ‘its for you’
<faR_away-> so he presses 'talk' because he thought it was off
<faR_away-> and I’m like.. ‘why would I give you a phone saying it’s for you and it being off?’

 

<Pigs> I used to go out all the time, I just go to have a few beers and look at girls... that's not gay
<supreemball> unless you're comparing outfits with the girls

 

<SMW> howdy Ian
<SMW> how you doin tonight?
<Ian_Sharpe> same as always
<Ian_Sharpe> still smoking
<Ian_Sharpe> drinking too
<Protector> Seems you have something against internal organs that begin with the letter "L"

 

<Tbodd> Just how important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

Dough Girl7777:  my grandma is funny
CherryOnion1979:  okay
Dough Girl7777:  she tries to spoil me, but she has like no money, so she gives me plants 
Dough Girl7777:  and she gets all excited when she gives em to me

 

<Calvinosaur> Water parks should make their entrances narrow, say 24 inches. If you can't fit through sideways, then you're too fat to be wearing a swimsuit in public.

 

<Gypsy> The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck, is the day they make a vacuum.

 

<CanyonMan> should it disturb me that the can of campbell's baked beans
            is labeled: "Now with more beans!"  ?
<CanyonMan> It's still a 12 ounce can
<CanyonMan> So they must have REMOVED something to have the
            same weight and volume, but more beans?
<waltman> maybe they're using smaller beans

 

<Khross> I'M GOING TO REPLACE YOUR LOWFAT MILK WITH SLIGHTLY HIGHER FAT MILK AND EXPOSE YOU TO THE RISK OF FUTURE HEART DISEASE.

 

<mander_> if east timor can be a nation..
<mander_> is there really any reason my bathroom can't be?

 

<Hahn> Zara, have you ever killed anyone with a crowbar during a soccer riot?
<Zaratustra> Didn't have the chance.
<Hahn> That sounds like an excuse to me.

 

<wormy98> naw, its one of the new plasma screens
<beretta> plasma? isnt that the stuff that the caves in alaska shoot out?
<wormy98> no. that's lava, volcanoes, and hawaii.
<EDMundane> beretta: is there any limit to your stupidity?

 

<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
       Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
       in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
       whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
       telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
       then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
       they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
       Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
       business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
       added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
       so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
       the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
       yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
       demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
       very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

 

<Tbodd> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

<White_Devil> people who put down other people from other countries are basically ignorant...We are all from the human race and the sooner people can put away their bias, the sooner they can be dominated by the USA

 

<Bob> I was gonna join the army, until the war started

 

<Bemlet> he respects subtlety. You just have to use a lot of it at once.

 

<+an_ass733> I went to a chinese restaurant for lunch today
<+an_ass733> The fortune cookie said "A successful life comes from a life of virtue and hard work."
<+an_ass733> On the back were the lottery numbers.

 

 

<homerj> I'm starting to have a real dislike of vegitarians
<homerj> and their holier then thou attitude
<noxnbox> we should eat them
<ryo-ohki> I bet they'd taste good.
<berzerker> my band has a 6 minute track about hating vegitarians
<ryo-ohki> Their body is like all meat, with just a little bit of fat.
<berzerker> and throwing steaks at their face
<homerj> because they must have some sort of rule that they tell you they are vegetarian like 5 times a day
<homerj> must be in the handbook "when you hvae the desire to eat meat, tell someone your a vegetarian"
<DigDug> you know, vegetarians are probably kosher too

 

<`Xenocide> Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary schools in the state.

 

<Ten> My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

 

<f3nce> did you hear that marvin gaye was shot by his father?
<wayfinder> some parents cant deal with their kids being gaye

 

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

 

<Fluidmist> so, who wants to come to mexico with me?
<technophobe> i would, but i dont speak mexican
<Fluidmist> i thought you spoke spanish.
<techophobe> i do, i dont speak mexican though
<Fluidmist> are you serious?
<technophobe> what? yes
<Fluidmist> who wants to be the one to explain this to him?

 

<Argent-> Call a few adoption agencies asking for a hot 17 year-old girl with a birthday coming up, and they start with the subpoenas.

 

<Ak> Today, a blind man who was begging for change addressed me as I walked past.
<Ak> I gave him a quarter, and he said "thank you kind sir"
<Ak> then, he asked me what time it was, so out of habit, i held up my watch.
<Ak> He said, "11:56? Thanks buddy."

 

<Phuser> Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

 

(Fungus): idler, define " life " please :)
(Idler): Fungus: Life is the thing that grows in my fridge
(Idler): Starting to get really big now
(Idler): Might have to kill it some day
(NX): did u try to eat it?
(Idler): NX: No, that's what I should have done a long time ago

 

<Puddle of Mudd> Have they named the disorder where you become obsessed with terrible songs?
<Critíc> Pop culture.

 

<Tbodd> My girlfriend’s niece was sleeping here the other night. Less than 2 years old. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

 

<Direw0lf> get some gerbils
<Direw0lf> i've been told they're all sorts of fun
<KhamulPPC> Especially with the optional extra of a microwave
<Sauki> gerbils?
<KhamulPPC> You got something against gerbils?
<Direw0lf> add helium and you've got gerbiloons
<Sauki> i'm sure they taste good
<Sauki> but i'm never sure what sauce to put with them

 

<DrStrangelove> Yeah, save your money, man.
<DrStrangelove> Else you'll end up like the rest of the population.
<DrStrangelove> Poor and broken.
<DrStrangelove> And ignorant.
<[DMK]Relvox> what is ignorant?

 

<Aitrus> I have three root canals with crowns scheduled, plus the removal of two wisdom teeth, and two impacted partials. PLUS two fillings.
<Aitrus> my children will be forced to brush at gunpoint.

 

<sugar> if superman and batman got into a fight, who would win?
<muffins> well, superman wears his undies on the outside...batman wears his on his head
<muffins> tough call

 

<MrBob> I hate Uni. At least in film studies we get to talk about Fight Club.
<@X-Factor> Wouldnt you be breaking the first 2 rules?

 

<heroofhyr> Japan, China and South Korea team up to plan an operating system to rival Microsoft Windows.
<heroofhyr> man i can't wait to try Rindows

 

<Tbodd> Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

 

<dArEn> I used to be bad at math, but I did a 360 in that

 

<distopia> whats the word for that ringing in your ears?
<distopia> begins with T
<overh3at> The Wife

 

<Ravage> tuesday night Im going to a funeral home
<Smash> why?

 

<KANG> You know, I don't think you can call it a "friendly rivalry" after you've killed your opponent's parents.

 

<Dayv> Australia is basically Canada with marsupials and funny hats.

 

Substitue Teacher> Alright class. Here's the next question. Spain was divided into what? Hint, Canada has these.
Dane> Umm... Canadians!
Kyle> ... Provinces you idiot...

 

<TheTheory> I only have two exams left this semester
<TheTheory> Math (easy) and English (WERY easy)

 

<TheMeandMe> did you know Free Willy is manipulating?
<TheMeandMe> the movie
<amorph> is this a joke?
<TheMeandMe> its been made by the us government to turn the people into slaves
<TheMeandMe> think about the title
<TheMeandMe> "free will, y?"

 

<SkyKing> freudian whip
<SkyKing> i mean slip
<SkyKing> doh!

 

<Entwife>  I sometimes think we have one collective mind here that we just pass around occasionally
<Entwife>  when we aren't using it as a coaster or something

 

Silent4042: What's another name for child molestation?
SocialistNinja: Divine intervention?
Silent4042: What?
SocialistNinja: That's what my priest tells me.

 

<dan-o2> I've been watching simpsons for the better portion of my life
<SpaceMonkey> Your life doesn't have a better portion

 

[ @Hammer ] Okay, I was going to have some Count Chocula, so I started pouring a bowl. But then I ran out before I filled the bowl, so I just filled the rest with Cocoa Pebbles cause that was the only other cereal we had. So I open the fridge, and we have no milk, only chocolate milk. So yeah, I consumed about 5 years worth of chocolate intake in that one meal.

 

<tobester> i wish more people would conform to stereotypes so I could be more racist

 

<bigbear> my ears are ringing
<Pebble> answer it then

 

<welzi> you're not one of these pretend geeks who secretly has a social life are you?

 

<Luthor> Dude, my school banned white t-shirts today
<Luthor> they claimed it was a gang symbol, and that it promoted violence and conflict
<Nasci> I'd rather just ban all the kids, no more violence, problem solved.

 

themack: just played the saxophone for 15 minutes and my lips are already sore
ScooterX: themack: Try playing it from the small end next time!

 

<TossMonkey> well, people who take a test on the internet to see if they have a personality should already know the answer.

 

zambezi: Why's it called the tourist season if we're not allowed to shoot them?
forge: WHAT?!?
forge: We aren't?

 

<@[R-Dk]FoRbiDDeN> this little arrow thing keeps following my mouse, and I can't make it go away.

 

<Kowalski> Graeme - There are 10 million Norwegians, you can't piss all of them off
<Graeme> i could shoot A-Ha.

 

<!guy> tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of the death of my dog. its also the anniversary of the day I learned to drive.

 

<SeXaH> damn i broke my g-string
<SeXaH> oh crap
<SeXaH> that looks bad
<SeXaH> i meant the g-string from my guitar

 

<LarsC> i have women issues.
<LarsC> namely, I hate them

 

<Snow> Heard outside construction site on way to lunch:
<Snow> <sound that a nail gun makes> "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

 

<LizziBayb> hey, narcissism ain't a bad thing.  sometimes it's the only unconditional love you can get

 

(Byron’s note: I hate consultants. I left IP because of their terrible IBM consultants.)
<@sumppi> "A consultant is a man who knows 99 ways to make love but doesn't know any women"

 

<Avatar> how much do dishwashers cost
<krissle> haha
<krissle> you dont buy a dishwasher
<krissle> you marry one

 

<dejay> If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

 

<Gwuffy> i found one mistake in harry potter 2
<Gwuffy> not a biggy but i saw it both times
<CoRDS> that people can’t fly on broomsticks?

 

 <Gartuff> so far my record is like 10+ trips to vegas, without ever getting married

  

<+DoomSooth> I went to Providence Middle School in Virginia.
<+DoomSooth> The cheerleaders had PMS in big letters on their uniforms.

 

<AffenJunge> I don't want to dominate women.. I just wish they'd be more eager to dominate me

 

<Kennef> what was quetzequatl the patron god of?
<tarvuz> umm
<Wintermute> consonants?

 

<g0atb0t> What's ADD stand for? Attention Deficit LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

 

<adr> if kashmir gets nuked we won't have any soft wool sweaters any more
<TS> thats cashmere you tool

 

<DJ_Phatiguez> ahahah i got ejected from a pub for trying to do a jedi mind trick when they ID'd me
<DJ_Phatiguez> 'you dont need to see any identification.'

 

<Hendrix> Its fun to go out in the cold weather and watch smokers pass out because they dont know when they're done exhaling

 

<infamous> my old man always said, the day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun...

 

<TheDingo> OH MAN.. i was supposed to read the communist manifesto for political science..
<Novasol> just read a Windows manual. same thing

 

<su-Septik> canada has a nuclear program?
<su-noel> yeah it's some old dude that survived chernyobyl
<su-noel> we keep him in a box

 

<FFFFFFFF1> has anyone been sky diving?
<bobbles> i fell down some stairs
<bobbles> does that count?

 

<Logik-> ymir wants to hire a personal assassin to kill me
<Logik-> <---- has land mines in his yard
<tra__> what happens when the grass cutter comes to clip the lawn?
<Logik-> tra__, they're not allowed to mow certain spots :P
<tra__> so the hitman just treads through the mowed spots, since its easier to walk there anyway?

 

Kit-Fox> YAY! i found some food!
elroy{K}> yay! kill it!

 


<Inoshiro> "Don't iron, don't put in a triangle, don't put in an oval"
<harb> Er?
<Inoshiro> Is there a translation table for the washing tag on clothing?

 

<foop> computers need to burst into flames more often

 

<Lilt> I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
<Lilt> I said, "You'll be sorry."
<Lilt> He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
<Lilt> I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

 

<NellagnehC> My computer's so fast it finishes an infinite loop in 5 minutes.

 

ThatIsGood: Stupidity is an inexhaustible natural resource
ThatIsGood: Someday we'll learn to generate electrical power from it
ThatIsGood: And it will change the world

  

<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<p5Ds13a06> you cant buy alcoholics
<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free

 

<Random> Lesbionic? What's that? The six-million-dollar gay woman?

 

<Nastard> i like phonics
<Nastard> one might even go so far as to say i'm hooked on them

 

<  ILjWerk> I'm on terror alert level fuscia

 

<SomeRandom> Looks like Operation Iraqi Freedom is almost over.
<Diablo1399> Bah, "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is an awful name.
<SomeRandom> Well what would you call it then?
<Diablo1399> Why, "Operation Who's Your Baghdaddy" of course.

 

<NtG> I have my gynecologist on speed dial

 

<Staberinde> What I'm wondering is why the ACLU isn't bringing lawsuits against these schools that suspend kids for drawings or writings. I mean if that's not depriving someone of their freedom of speech I don't know what is.
<Joe_> Because the Supreme Court ruled that the constitution doesn't extend to schools.
<Staberinde> That means my old high school can secede from the union then, right?
<Joe_> It could work..

 

<Dobbs> I went out on a date once with a women who said that, whatever the society was, it could not function unless women were the "gatekeepers of sex"...
<Dobbs> ...so I said, "Well, not if women were private property."
<Dobbs> That shut her up.

 

(Byron’s note: While I’m on the subject, I’ll put another terribly sexist quote here…)
(Bass_EXE): reminds me of this one time.. this girl said 'HA! and what would you guys do without us women?!' I just replied 'domesticate another animal.'

 

<theForger> it's kind of odd how a lot of planets in star trek have spaceships and transporters, and yet they still live in huts and clay houses

 

<TreeSquid> he's not foreign, just stupid

 

<Zaratustra> I am an agnostic Jehovah's Witness. I knock on people's doors, but I'm not sure why.

 

<spicrx7> what do you guys use for burnin cd's?
<spazzer> fire

 

(@[e]space) going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion

 

<zP|Russina`cs> the teacher was like ‘justin, did you do your homework?’
<zP|Russina`cs> i was like ‘no, forgot to.’
<zP|Russina`cs> shes like ‘well, that’s bad news’
<zP|Russina`cs> i was like ‘well, I got some good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.’

 

<@Exor[B-AFK]> yeah apparently a teacher in britain was arrested. on him they found a pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!

 

<Dyne> Really, you should try it. You need to get in shape.
<Dylflon> I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

(SnapScan): hablais español?
(Picasso-): I would like TWO soft tacos and a large pepsi

 

<jaymeekae> i feel so american
<Moonman> you shot someone?

 

<Lachlan> what do you think the emergency generators are there for?
<Sam> Generating Emergencies.

 

<Porter> I don't like girls in baby doll t-shirts.
<Porter> Apparently, these girls care about clothes so much, fashion is so important to them...that they're willing to beat up defenseless babies and take their tiny shirts.
<Porter> It's sick. Sick, sick, sick.
<Porter> So whenever I see a crying baby with no shirt on, I nod knowingly.
<Porter> And whenever I see a girl in a baby doll t-shirt, I shake my head in disgust.
<Porter> I also probably check her out when she's not looking.

 

<TRON> if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

 

 <luxe rabbit> did you hear about the 2 guys who robbed a calendar factory?
they each got 6 months
<djmaximus16> hm ?
<djmaximus16> i didn't hear about them
<djmaximus16> what happened?

 

 <+Woody```> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 

 <Pascal> Aieee!  On a company's resume submission form:  What level of education do you possess?  yes  no
* Pascal answers 'yes'
<fEk> Who would answer 'no' to that?
<Pascal> The person who designed this form?

 

 JustAnotherFetus: If I had a dollar for every time I had 60 cents, I would be Canada.

 

 <Czarina> I've always had a hard time picturing hamsters in the wild. I get this mental image of a horde of them devouring a cow or something.

 

 Quaestor> how frequently does a question need to be asked to be considered a Frequently Asked Question?
Archon11> 7 times in the US and 11 in Canada. The European Union is considering a common number of five, but Great Britain refuses to comply and insists on using its own number, six. China does not allow questions except in Hong Kong.

 

 <CecilPL> I have a life, I just don't do anything in it

<tis_berni> I'm a construction worker
<tis_berni> for one more week
<tam> and then?
<moof> then he has to be the indian or the navy guy.

  

SomethingTrifty: I'm vegetarian for a different reason
SomethingTrifty: It's not because I like animals
SomethingTrifty: i just hate plants

 

<MisterQ> I found a way you can call people for free while on the internet
<shilantra> oh really
<Republica> It's called "Your Neighbor's Phone"

 

<@newt0r> thank god im an atheist

 

<Volksweasel> cool...there's a TON of cardinals on the tree outside my window
<enaz> cardinals are usually safe, it's the priests you have to watch out for

 

<Saber> help me
<Saber> I just ate a fortune cookie
<Saber> But I don't remember taking the fortune out

 

<Blizzard> Man, we have a female wrestler on our team
<Nucleotide> We care why?
<Blizzard> She's PREGNANT
<Sirdoudofapples> Hmmm...
<Sirdoudofapples> Seems like an inefficient way to move up in weight class...

 

<aberration> I hear they opened a wal-mart in china.... i can imagine the people who shop there... "Hey I just made that yesterday !"

 

(slippy): it's appauling
(doggie^): like your spelling..

 

<Pi> Violence solves everything.
<Pi> If you have a problem that violence doesn't solve, then you're not using enough of it.

 

<KevM> quit the farcical shenanigans you duncical misrepresentation of a homo sapien
<andycode> I find your misanthropic antics most ironic in their malevolent disposition.
<andycode> Moreover, the mere implications of your pathetic facade is illigitimate in its duplicitious atrocity.
<KevM> your virulent discourse is quite misguided in it's underhanded attempts to slight me
<Khross> And you're fat.

 

<Tovart > I have high standarts. I want to be like janet reno.
<Locke|Away > ok, lie down and let someone beat your face with a stick for an hour.

 

Cyber J: I've always known my parents hated me, after all... my first toys were a pair of scissors and running shoes...

 

<CoRDS> there is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

 

<Alf-Life> Has anyone here ever been to Tokyo/Kyoto/Japan?
<MechaMrEd> I think if you went to the first two the third one comes free.

 

<Casey8> Diana Ross' husband died
<Tarrier> how
<Casey8> fell while climbing in South Africa or something
<JennAway> that's sad
<Bubbaprog> i guess there is a mountain high enough

 

<Cross> I was at this bar last night
<Cross> and i was talking to this hot chick for like 20 minutes
<Cross> and this other girl walked over right in the middle of my conversation
<Cross> and said "Are you talking to my sister? Cause she's deaf"

 

<RapidX> Hey, was wondering... when buying a fan.. how do you determine if the fan is a fan that blows in air or blows out?

 

(pvah) i wonder how funny airport security would think it would be if you walked into an airport with a cardboard box that said "BOMB" on it

 

<dngnand> Never tell your hairdresser "Make me look like a porn star!"
<nick> espeically without specifying what gender or what decade

 

<myliw0rk> There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
<myliw0rk> This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

Ardham refuses to put flammable objects in close proximity to his manhood.... though it may have prevented the 3 kids he has now.
<Tierrie_> Its not too late to put flammable objects near your kids

 

<SamGod> I can't breath fresh air 'cuz all I smell is gasoline
<Coda> why do you smell gasoline SamGod?
<SamGod> Coda: I kinda happened to shove an exhaust pipe in my sleeve for warmth for a few hours last night
<SamGod> well, actually, I switched off between one sleeve, then the other, then my pant leg, then the other, etc...
<Twist-> didn't occur to you to get inside the car?

 

<Frankie> Last night, I was looking up at the stars, and I thought to myself, where is my ceiling?!?

 

<Mike_Works> Mr. Rogers is gone.
<ZS> there goes the neighborhood

 

<Shad> arg! nobody told me apocalypse now was on
<Ethos> apocalypse now is on Shad
<Shad> thank you ethos
<Shad> remind me to send you a christmas card next easter

 

<chobits41> You know that big mall in Edmonton has three fully working submarines.
<chobits41> the Canadain Navy has two.
<chobits41> So if war ever broke out in that mall ... they'd never make it past the Gap.

 

<Jaz> You're catholic, right jay?
<@Jaayy> you and me both.
<Jaz> What are you giving up for lent?
<@Jaayy> Catholocism.
<Jaz> how ironic.

 

<Serafijn> what's that film with the ship and the ghosts?
<Nightchill> Ghostship?
<Serafijn> oh yeah

 

Lembas found an awesome headline in today's paper.
<Lembas> Violence in Israel.
* Bonzai fails to see the awesomeness, that's like "Snow in Siberia"
<Bruce_MacCulloch> or "Idiots in Washington"

 

<David> Finally. It works. My Palm is working.
<schnorks> Now you can hold stuff

 

<Gloomster> I'm not white
<Gloomster> I'm rhythmically challenged

 

<lude> Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

 

<SlemJack> diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

 

<Ryft> I made some brownies... want one?
<bnyfoofoo> you baked?
<Ryft> No, are you?

 

<FHCI_SS> I work as a tech support and someone called yesterday with the following conversation taking place
<FHCI_SS> Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."
<FHCI_SS> Me: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
<FHCI_SS> Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."

 

<surreal> i've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my girlfriend to go swimming

 

<analog> hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock
<analog> the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

 

<@drew> saceist is a kind of person who always has that dumb look on his face.
<@saceist> huh?

 

<ThelegendarySCM> me and my buds lit a car on fire once- kinda by accident
<ThelegendarySCM> but it was fun to watch the gas tank blow up.
<Artanis> :-)  where did this happen?
<ThelegendarySCM> we were out playing pranks on one of our friends when we saw our principles's car- he was a TOTAL jerk, and we all hated him. Was a drop top, and the dude left the top open. We climbed n and started messing with the car, when somehow the ciggarette lighter went in and got red hot, fell out and lit the floormats ablaze
<ThelegendarySCM> Never ran so fast from anything in my life. After we got about 2 miles away we turned just in time to see the gas tank go.
<Artanis> hahahhahaaha
<Artanis> and uhh, you never got caught?
<ThelegendarySCM> nope. No one saw us (for some weird reason)
<ThelegendarySCM> Man, that dude was HEATED the day after at school. He dragged us all into the auditorium and we spent 6 hours there. I mean the whole school, in a crowded auditorium, and he wouldnt lets us leave until someone confessed. No one did, and when school did end the superintendent was waiting for the principal. He was promptly fired for keeping us in that room for 6 hours.
<ThelegendarySCM> Talk about insult after injury.

 

<WHEELJACK> it's against my religion to drink
<bf> what religion is that ?
<WHEELJACK> poverty

 

<Pornosaur> My mom gave me one of those plants you can't kill
<Pornosaur> I think it commited sucicide

 

<kasp> I got a shirt that had integral signs all over it,
and read: "Math is an integral part of life."  I got another shirt 
that has a small symbol of pi on the front, and 1000 digits of pi 
(followed by "...") on the back
<glasnost> wow kasp
<brouwer> i've never met you, but i want to beat you up

 

<Carisear> Ever since i put the "Tires by Firestone" bumper sticker on my car, no one seems to tailgate me anymore.

 

<Art`> I don't want to work with people, I'm not a big people person
<Saccy> I thought you wanted to be a surgeon?
<Art`> Well they're under general anesthetic, I don't have to talk to them.

 

<Crucifix> when the pope dies who is the next pope?
<Crucifix> his son?

 

<Wretched> Right now Im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

 

 

<Anecdotist> I never watched the Power Rangers. So I guess I just figured that they were like forest rangers, but more powerful. Maybe even as powerful as me. I know that I am pretty powerful when it comes to forest stuff, because Smokey the Bear is all, "Only you can prevent forest fires." If I'm the only one, I must be pretty powerful.

 

Lizerati: So, when it's dark and you're driving past a church, the "Worship 11am" sign looks like "Worship Ham"

 

<lukeiyo-e> my housemate alex used to deliver drugs on his bike
<lukeiyo-e> .. from a chemist he says
<kodos> speed on a bike
<lukeiyo-e> peddling crack

 

<@Azhrarn> I hate on football how they always have like 10-15 minutes of crap in between all the good commercials

 

<[KoF]Pyramus> you wound me, sir
<EdgeCrusher> sorry
<EdgeCrusher> I’ll hit harder

 

<tsingtao> i got a test back today
<tsingtao> i got 100%
<IgWannA> was it for HIV?

 

<Jason_Bee> we'd probably all die if the stock market crashed
<Mugworm> well yeah, if it crashed right into your house

<slayer> Punctuation should be accompanied with correct smelling and grammar.

 

<straylight> Y'know, I just realized something... why the hell are we
sending in the NORMAL armed forces against Osama bin Laden? Isn't this
right up GI JOE's alley?

 

<Kel> I got in trouble at the Canadian border. The guy said "Do you have any guns or weapons in your vehicle?" and I said "Why? What do you need?"

 

<Saber> just when I manage to convince myself I'm a superior being, I walk into a door

 

<thrase> i hate programming
<thrase> why couldn't i be a rock star
<undrewb> cause you have the charisma of a programmer
<undrewb> and the programming skills of a rockstar

 

<billn> if I wanted efficency, I'd put bigger tires on my truck, so I could get the whole cat in one pass.

 

<studmuffn> ive been to one star trek convention, and i was 14
<studmuffn> it was cool. patrick stewart was there
<studmuffn> they told us not to ask why they cant fix baldness in the 24th century

 

<King_Kane> So i open a can of pepsi and i see on the side "Best Before: See base of can" so i turn the can around and i feel a cold chill running down my legs...

 

<Murder-Is-Funny> I know this girl who is supposedly kinda anti-social - so she says - and she's mentioned she doesnt go many places or have many friends.. - but when I call her, she's never home - whats that mean?
<Byte^> she has caller-id

 

<drag0n> Subject: threat level raised
<drag0n> Due to explosives that were found under a rail bed in France, the Chirac government has raised the threat level in France to the second highest level.  The President of France announced that as of 10:00 a.m., the threat level will officially go from "run" to "hide."

 

<x-horizon> I was reading a magazine at work while my boss came to my office and asked me why I am not working...
<x-horizon> I said "I didn't see you coming, sir"

 

<Bwaa> I tend to do stupid things when I panic
<Bwaa> Like when I accidently poked my friend in the eye, panicked and poked him in the other one.. because it seemed the sensible thing to do

 

<zN|nJa> I wonder how tough the recruiting for suicide bomber school is
<zN|nJa> 'now watch closely because I'm only gonna do this once'

 

<Trivbot> 18.  A baby doctor is a _________.?
<Rhodz> fast learner

 

<Snow> Heard outside construction site on way to lunch:
<Snow> <sound that a nail gun makes> "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

 

<LunchBox> i'm not all that intoxicating
<LunchBox> er, intoxicated. i think i just disproved my point....

 

<Shark463> hey, did you see stevie wonders new album?
<Chaz> No
<Shark463> neither has he.

 

[bytraper] they are my family.... I love them like they were my own, I couldn't part with them for less than $20

 

<blitz> i'm allergic to alcohol
<blitz> I drink a 12 pack and I break out in handcuffs

 

ZolaOnAOL: You can't judge a book by its cover.
DrRocksicle: you can if it has no pages

 

<timmyB> yeah well i intend to live forever
<timmyB> so far so good

 

<The_Spaniard:> The White House had an egg hunt today after which they had to admit that there were never any eggs to begin with.

 

<c-rOCK> when I was 15 I was fat and a loner.
<KuRoKoSoN> are you 16 yet?

 

<count^> real life is just something the government invented to steal my money

 

<whythehell> who were you talking about?
<RobotBebop> whythehell: Canada.
<whythehell> sorry
<whythehell> who were you talking aboot?

 

<EricClancy> guys
<EricClancy> do you pronounce it live or live?

 

<Silvercrush> I craved a little man in woodshop today
<Silvercrush> omg... carved

 

garrett8675309: heard you threatened to shoot my girlfriend...
imptacular: yeah
garrett8675309: you should get your membership card in 7-10 days

 

<ThatOneDude> the last time somone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years

 

<Shockster> Did you hear about that woman that smoked dope in the streets of Baghdad? She was so stoned.

 

<Dark_Soul>Just because I'm from Canada doesnt mean I live in an igloo.
<Ralts>What, are you homeless?

 

[+Hobbes] I was driving by a church on the way home and on the message board out front it said "Under new management"

 

<SuperKing> 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
<SuperKing> The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

 

<Sholin> You know, I went to KFC the other day with my Mother, And she asked them if they had anything fried..

 

<Flamebird> i was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon the other night.. and i was wondering where all the tigers and dragons are
<Flamebird> then i realized they're all crouching and hidden

 

<SCVirus> John Stamos is getting divorced just as the Olsen twins turn 18.
<SCVirus> Coincidence?  I think not.

 

<samurai> whats the opposite of eloquence?
<taleweaver> george w. bush?

 

<@drew> my uterus is bleeding
<@cognac> drew, you don't have a uterus
<@drew> oh

 

<Samurai> She isn't forcing anyone! she haven't asked them of nothing½!
<enisoc> how the hell do you type a ½ symbol by accident??

 

Ryan : political correctness has gone too far! in the card store i went to, the category for christmas  was labelled "Wednesday, December 25"

 

[Bords] im sick of people making fun of "uranus"
[Kirby] yeah me too.
[Kirby] Hey! Let's rename it!
[nosebleed] let's call it urrektum

 

<colrebel> i hate it when a coworker spots you blowing the contents of your
nostrils into a trash can

 

<[Piratez]> so what kinda job you got?
<drunkers> i wash dishes
<[Piratez]> at a resturaunt?
<drunkers> no, at home

 

<homenerd> How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<homenerd> Fish

 

<SDHawk> I tried to go to dictionary.com, but I can't spell it right.

 

<Evil Steve> Theres an advertisement in MSN Messenger: "Buy your winning lottery ticket here"
<Evil Steve> I reckon that’s false advertising
<Evil Steve> I should buy one then sue them when I lose
<AnonymousPosterChild> I can represent you in court
<AnonymousPosterChild> I got my law degree online

 

<Ouroboros> Tang is as good as sex.
<ruiner> my sex isn't powdery and orange

 

<cosyc> i dont drunk much either

 

 

<NekoNick> And you claim to be sentient?
<RaZorblade> sentient???
<NekoNick> I guess that answers my question.

 

< jonnyLost> smuggling drugs into Jamaica is like smuggling slimfast into Ethiopia

 

<FHCI_SS> I work as a tech support and someone called yesterday with the following conversation taking place
<FHCI_SS> Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."
<FHCI_SS> Me: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
<FHCI_SS> Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."

 

(@Gramps) Too sunny to go out today. Reflection off my head starts fires

 

<dejay> If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

 

<Fandang0-> whats that band that the lead singer looks like Val Kilmer?
<thaRuler> the doors?

 

<dDG> Wait...
<dDG> There's this NASCAR all-star thing on
<dDG> and there is rap for background music
<dDG> NASCAR and rap music...
<dDG> The terrorists have won

 

<Jessicaaa> :| well thats disserpointing
<Jessicaaa> anyone do the iq test thing online?
<Jessicaaa> i got dumb this year
<Neodymium> I knew that from the minute you typed 'disserpointing'

 

<Jericho24.> I"m not here right now, if you"d like to reach me on my cell phone, buy me a cell phone.

 

xheliox: Did you see that NASCAR has started a literacy program?
linenoyz: no
xheliox: Isn't that like using the KKK to promote civil rights?

 

<Justin> What's your sign, baby?
<The_Gevil> Yield

 

<Seros> Did you get my hat back?
<Spleen> what kinda question is that?
<Seros> An easy one?

 

<sexor> I went shopping last night at like 1am. the place was empty, and this old woman, just making polite convertation, said to me: "where is everyone??".
<sexor> I replied: "In bed, same place you and I should be!"
<sexor> Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a dirty look

 

<Chelly> What is your biggest fear?
<JasonRene> living long enough to become isolated from anyone who cares about me, and then dying alone.
<Chelly> I was expecting something like spiders.

 

<crunchyfish> The space shuttle Columbia walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why do you look so down?" The shuttle says, "Oh, I just broke up with my crew."

 

<+Cypherus> what is a splash-screen?
<Nagaika> when your screen falls into the bathtub

 

<kmad> people should stop using worn-out cliches because they're not funny anymore
<}}T-DuB--> is that your final answer?


 <Naudiz> my IQ is high enough that I can do anything I want
<Naudiz> college means nothing
<netbsd_> What is this almighty IQ you have and what self-scoring IQ test gave you the idea you have it?
<Naudiz> I'm a Mensa member .. I allready mentioned this.
<netbsd_> So you're in the top two percent of the population?
<netbsd_> This is me being impressed.
<Naudiz> no actually ... only 1 in 50 people qualify to be in Mensa

   
<UKDJ|Planet> I've just heard a duck tell a joke
<UKDJ|Planet> there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
<UKDJ|Planet> one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
<UKDJ|Planet> then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
<UKDJ|Planet> it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

  <kn1ves> How do you think Jesse Jackson would react if he got asked to answer the white courtesy phone?

  <dEaD_fAiRy> plus the guy has to look a certain way to turn me on
<Mousey> does he have to look desperate?

  <casmill2> I must be the only true optimist left on the planet.

  <Keitaro> I think I know where Michael Jackson got the idea to hang his kid over the balcony.
<Keitaro> Lion King.

  <Monsoon`> people are stupider than previously imagined
<Monsoon`> My roommate talked to a customer today, told him to right-click on something.  So the customer got a pen and paper, and proceeded to write "click" on it.

  <Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

  <Foobar> this guy is like weapons-grade stupid

  <chabo> I love you like Ike loves Tina

  <adam1> my girlfriend supposedly has "issues" with me
<Hiroe> Heh, my ex didn't have just a few issues, she had a damn *Subscription*

  <AL9000> I think it would be funny to bust up into somewhere wearing a trenchcoat and start shooting people with a brightly colored Super Soaker, and then after the initial shock is over and people are laughing or getting pissed off, you pull out a real gun and start taking them down
<AL9000> But that's just me

  <prairiePirate> well there was a kid on the news that was born without eyelids
<prairiePirate> they had to use the skin from his circumcision to make them
<prairiePirate> they say he's ok, just a little cock-eyed

  <MasterG> .......................................................................................................
<judas> where's pacman when you need him?

  <JoeSCHM0E> i cook so badly, we pray AFTER meals

  <Cyberllam> I want to get a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I am doing an excellant job driving." Then I can cut people off and they won't know what to do.

  <8trac> Is it my fault if I think humanity is best seen through a sniper scope?

  AoD> Hey.  Would anyone here have paid money to kick Saddam out of power?
<dubuto> Sure.
<AoD> Pick a figure.
<dubuto> I heard the Iraq thing cost 63odd billion.
<AoD> What would it have been worth to you to get rid of him?
<AoD> Out of your pocket.
<dubuto> Tough question.
<AoD> It cost us 220 dollars each.
<AoD> Could have been worse.
<AoD> Hell, at 220 dollars a pop, I'm game for another tyrant!
<Gavok> How much to eliminate Whoopie Goldberg?

  <v_9> All those who believe in Telekenesis raise my hand.

  @Sile: i crossed the border into Canada at Niagra Falls once
@Sile: i was sitting there thinking "damn, the Canadian chicks are hot!"
@Sile: then i realized that they were all American tourists

  <AffenJunge> I don't want to dominate women.. I just wish they'd be more eager to dominate me

    <Tbodd> I just noticed that MS Word thinks 'Niagra' is a misspelled word
<Tbodd> as in 'Niagra Falls'
<Tbodd> however, it suggests that I change it to 'viagra'
<Tbodd> what a bunch of stuck-up pricks!

  genjer: so my sister asks me if this shirt makes her look fat
genjer: and I was like, "no, but the fat underneath does"

  <Space_Boy> 70% of all statistics are made up on the spot

  <quik-silver> You know, life really IS like a box of chocolates
<quik-silver> A cheap, meaningless gift that noone ever asks for

  <@PookHappy> Clinique invisible skin remover
<@PookHappy> for when you really want to show off your cranium!

  <Tink> work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively

  <FJ> ok, I am off to the International House of Pancakes
<FJ> truly, I am a man of the world.

  <Tonitrus> My biological clock says 12:00 and blinks.

  <annillace> we landed in vegas, and the pilot says
<annillace> "those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated"

  <Bonz> you couldn't get a clue if you were drenched in clue pheromones, dancing in a clue field in the middle of clue mating season, wearing a clue suit, and shouting, "Clooo! Cloooo!"

  <HighKaramba> people who live in silicon houses should not throw pocket protectors

  <bonch> Any recommended strategies for egging a house?
<nastsmom> yes
<nastsmom> first buy some eggs

  <Crumbs> anyone know what the strongest painkillers you can buy are?
<Trukkie> guns

  <DarthSemiAway> 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilamockingbirds

  Miyomei2: I had my portable CD player, and took it in the bathroom with me while I went to pee.
Miyomei2: And the second I whipped it out, the theme song to 'Rocky' started playing.
Miyomei2: I've never felt more manly than in that moment.

  <esch> You don't stop loving your wife because she gets fat, do you?
<marble> esch: my husband stopped loving me when I got fat. people are rotten. what's your point?
<esch> marble: That you were probably annoying.

 <B_Spears> Jimmy Buffet? aww
<Slander> Jimmy rocks man
<Ferney> heh
<B_Spears> yeah, in a rocking chair

<Amanda> And do these people in the STD medication commercials really have the advertised diseases, and if not, how much extra do they get paid to say that they do?

 

<Pornosaur> My mom gave me one of those plants you can't kill
<Pornosaur> I think it commited sucicide

 

<reddz> love does not make the world go round... just up and down a bit.

 

<cursedgenie> damn it i have pins and needles in my foot
<Draco889> wtf did you put them in there for?

 

<Tiberiumsun01> I am so lonely, I wish a girl would look at me
<maq> maybe you should wait around in parking lots at night until one comes by and stuff her in a potato sack

 

<Girlygirl> Thank you for listening to me.
<Girlygirl> You know you are a really good listener.
<Girlygirl> Sweetie, please say something.
<Sandaedar> Ok I'm back.

 

<Optical-i> Cool, how was work?
<particle> it was alright
<particle> I had a big bean burrito for lunch before work.
<particle> I was blasting customer service all over the place today

 

<benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
<benja> The survey was a huge failure...
<benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
<benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
<benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
<benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
<benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
<benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
<benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

<ZXPKNOBB> I invented this incredible cough drop medicine!  The side effects include mild coughing

 More to come!

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