In some of my spare time, I enjoy logging onto IRC (Internet Relay Chat) and playing trivia games.
It's a lot of fun, and I have made friends (well, virtual friends) from all over the world.
The following are some of the funny quotes from IRC users.

GO TO LATEST UPDATE 9/1/04

iban is going to invent a marriage simulator. It's a blowup doll that sits on the couch, takes your money, and slowly inflates larger and larger

 

<Andre> short girls with glasses and flannel jammies are cute.
<The_Frymaster> You just described Jonathan Lipnicki in Jerry Maguire.
<The_Frymaster> You pervert.

 

<lonelyfig> who here can name all the punk bands that have won Grammy's?
<Lawd> u2 and umm
<Lawd> thats it
<nXwetrust> u2 punk?.......
<lonelyfig> U2 = not a punk band
<Lawd> yeah they are
<blazemore> hahaha
<lonelyfig> no they arent
<Lawd> they started out as a punk band
<blazemore> michael jackson also started out as a black person

 

<the_Speed_Bump> I have a severe, irrational phobia against midgets with red hair who wear black trenchcoats and sell kitchen cleaners in back alleys behind hotels whose names start with the letter 'U'.
<the_Speed_Bump> Every day is a struggle.

 

<no_soul> i snorted Ajax
<no_soul> i almost died

 

<DrTrevorkian> i'm sick of this internet.  i'm gonna make my own.

 

<Kefka_> Rap is for people who need to be influenced by a culture of uneducated fools who have primary goals of "ballin" and becoming fly by having a dope ride.

 

<rbeattie> If you were MEANT to understand it, we wouldn't have called it 'code'

 

<aRse> dudes.. i'm not eating asparagus again for a while.. i just pissed green

 

<DrWoody> <intra> I want to propose to my wife with a giant foam #1 finger instead of a ring.
<RastaSaf> of course the correct answer to that quote would be: how long did it take the doctors to remove it from you?

 

<flee> my favorite people to talk to on the phone are those
<flee> that are self-absorbed enough that all I have to do
<flee> is say "yup" and laugh at appropriate intervals.
<flee> it's only annoying when I don't know how to detach.
<flee> I should write a program that will say "yup" and
<flee> laugh for me.
<flee> of course, I can't tell anyone this.
<mrg> yup!
<mrg> hahahah

  

<XtremeBain> you know you're a hich when
<Fembot> ya can't spell "hick"

 

<barkode> you don't even want to be in the same area code as me after indian  food

  

< Bayls > Sheesus. Was it this dead -before- I got here? :)
< annie > yeah
< Bayls > Hmmm, musta been. Weird, I didn't see any Star Trek marathons on tonight.

  

<Eye_Candy> you're lucky I retain video game knowledge like Oprah retains water

  

<Sharkey> Why is it whenever I hear the phrase 'Battered Women' I think of fried food?

 

<Cyrix> you can only curse me to eternal damnation for so long

  

<Esk> Quit XP bashing! It's a better OS than you'll ever make! :D
<evilbob> I doubt I could construct a gremlin, but I'm not about to start driving one.

  

<@ataribaby> did you know birds actually have sex?
<@ataribaby> that disturbs me
<@shagman> you didn't think they did?
<@shagman> they just divided into new birds?

 

 (WoHo): im as pure as a virgin :D
(Lachlann): take out the 2nd, 3rd and 4th word from woho's sentence and it's true

 

 <tress> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

 <Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Mr_Day> I think Nick is trying to tell us something.  What is it, boy?  Is Timmy trapped down a well?

  

<Jammer> Bad things happen in threes, don't they?
<Fake_Plastic_Tree> like Hanson.

 

<Johnno> my favorite animal is the scapegoat

  

<Sandman> You know something? Burning hair reeks.
<Zibblsnrt> I think that's nature's way of telling you, "Don't set your hair on fire, moron!"

 

 <briancuz>My mom is ashamed of me because i'm not an alterboy. My dads ashamed of me because i'm not a football star
<sswoop182>sooooooo............Tackle a priest

 

<Tbodd> My 9-yr old son
<Tbodd> I told him he should start making his birthday/christmas list now
<Tbodd> so he did
<Tbodd> and next to each item, he wrote WTF:Walmart
<Tbodd> WTF:ToysRUs
<Buffy^V^S> lol
<Tbodd> so I said, 'Justin, what do you mean by WTF?'
<Buffy^V^S> and
<Tbodd> he said, 'Where To Find'

 

<Thru^Me^Cool> you don't know cool until you've played the tuba!!

 

<Shrap> What is pubes?

 

<SaetheR:#916> why are stupid people my managers?
<phear:#916> because they make horrible employees

 

<@mewse> contrary to popular belief there are periods where i dont feel like drinking
<@mewse> these periods, i call "hangovers"

 

<ShadowMouse> bye
<Coan_Arcanius> bye
<[Bryan]> bye
<cams> bye
<[Bryan]> (damn we sound like a boy band)

 

<Cyride> the other day i was in the mall with my wife and we pass by a pictuer of two girls that are in the playboy bunny suits and my wife says i bet you wished i look like that... what is someone supposed to say to that? is "duh" the proper response to that?

 

<GoreGasm> i'm sure i could beet you up, and i would
<th0m> *laying on sidewalk covered in beets*

 

<lawngnome> isnt chelsea clinton like, 10 years old?
<fire_hawk> what?!  no!  She's going to Stanford next year!
<lawngnome> wow...
<lawngnome> pretty smart 10 year old.

 

<Wilson99> omg thats so phat !! i never knew saw that
<T1Jr> yeah it is pretty overweight.

 

<Brainded> can anyone help me with a ppp problem?
<mustang> you have a stutter and you're trying to urinate ?

 

<Dude> did ya hear poland bought 5000 septic tanks?
<DatDawg> why?
<Dude> as soon as the figure out how to drive them they’re invading Russia

 

<jre> I wouldn't eat dolphin.  I refuse to eat anything smarter than me.  Which is why I abstain from broccoli.
<AmbushBug> I would love to only eat things smarter than me.
<AmbushBug> ...
<AmbushBug> I assume the silence is all of you standing agape at the opening i left for all of you.
<jre> Ambush:  It's too predictible.  We want originality in our comedy.

 

<Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file

 

HolyViper7: it could be worse :P
Ebyan: It could be better
HolyViper7: everything could be better
Ebyan: everything could be worse
HolyViper7: not oprah
HolyViper7: she cant get any worse.

 

<Miko> hey i don't remember them dropping food on NYC when they crashed into the WTC

 

<EK> What if the war in Afghanistan was fought with midgets!
<Jei> With midgets as infantry, or as ammunition?

 

<TotAffen> On a scale from 1 to 10, I'm so drunk.

 

(nexxai) I just tried to light my smoke, but I forgot to put it in my mouth, and burnt my nose :(
(nexxai) I lit the lighter, then realized the smoke was still on the desk

 

<Gripping> i am shakin like an immigrant at the border

 

<schwack> if there's one thing i hate its everything

 

<nailer> Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiago's Luggage?

 

<joshieboi> - i thought speed racer was the car

 

(konartist) How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
(konartist) Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

 

<rob`> where does an irish family go for vacation?
<rob`> to a different bar

 

(@bart`) bwhahhahahahahah. i think they should send that little girl from the pepsi commercials to cuba too

 

<theTrick> Canada volunteered 10 Battleships, 4 Jet Fighters, and 200 Soldiers to the U.S. anti-terrorism cause, after the exchange rate, that came up to 4 canoes, 2 flying squirrels and 3 canadian Mounties

 

<Sanji> I eat people.
<Sanji> I'm a humanitarian

 

<Starlet> <--- law student. future lawyer.
<Jerub> <-- computer programmer. future defendant.

 

<DarkDawg> hrm
<DarkDawg> somethign doesn;t seem right...
<Xplosive> the spelling of 'something' and 'doesn't'?

 

<baguette> hey, anyone know how to find a hamster?
<is> set a cat loose
<is> the location of the hamster and the location of the cat will converge quickly
<is> though it may be difficult to separate them again...

 

TX Luder : dude
TX Luder : i just had a genius idea
TX Luder : m&ms frozen in ice cubes
TX Luder : just think of it man
TX Luder : your sucking on ice
TX Luder : then WHAM
TX Luder : m&m

 

<|Chris> i want you to setup a word substitution in your head
<|Chris> whenever you see the term "wrestling," i want you to think, "white trash"

 

<Sharkey> The rain in spain falls mainly on the spaniards.

 

<@Kamakazi> i've seen a cat land on it's head
<@Kamakazi> it was my fault
<@Kamakazi> i tried to make it do 2 backflips
<@Kamakazi> it was at my friends house
<@Kamakazi> i wanted to see if they ALWAYS landed on their feet
<@Kamakazi> so i dropped him and he did.
<@Kamakazi> and i was like hmm...
<@Kamakazi> i wonder how many backflips he could do then…

 

(MoLaUstEr) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

 

<q> well, not really. i don't like wearing clothes because i really just rather be baked.
<q> and by baked, and mean, naked.
<q> and by "and mean", i mean "i mean"

 

<SophiesCat> my room is making ominous popping sounds.
<malcolm> ghost popcorn

 

<SementE> anyone here have a commercial pilot license?
<blazemore> semente: do you have any idea how many fbi "carnivore" systems you just set off
<SementE> blazemore:  oh.. I forgot to add airline

 

<goltrpoat> 'britney spears' is an anagram for 'presbyterians.'

 

<Random> "Mosh pit. Well-concealed tazer. Hours of endless entertainment."

 

<oneo|SUMMER> the US has some of the best schools in the nation

 

<CMR> We're having a solar eclipse!
<RJR> Oo! Where?

 

<reaper> I'm not racist I have colour TV

 

<timmo> you know what i hate
<timmo> errors that wont go away
<Guilty> So you dislike children too

 

<Jubei301> So I walk into the room with the cat on my shoulder, facing backwards, and my stepdad is trying to watch TV, and I step in front of him, point at my cats ass, and say "ARG! shiver me timbers, its me one eyed parrot" and he laughed for a long time....my mom was just staring at me like im some kind of pervert.

 

<rlorenzon> ...and that's when i knew she was the one
<wolfnip> how did you know that?
<rlorenzon> because...i lost all my friends.

 

<Zarzig> If i had a cup of liquid nitrogen right now, i would drink it.
<Zarzig> Granted my stomach would solidify and i would die in a matter of seconds...
<Zarzig> but at least my underwear woulden't be so sweaty...

 

<Tbodd> I pull no punches with the women
<Tbodd> otherwise, they just get back up and beat the crap outta me

 

<Brentai> ...you guys realize that this is the least I've ever laughed.  I'm anti-laughing.
<FoxieMoxie> You're anti-laughing? Good, I hope your lungs implode then.

 

<prok> heh they set up one of those temporary radar speed detector things yesterday, the ones that tell you how fast you're going
<prok> with a big sign
<prok> i did about 5 laps around it trying to get my car up to 120
<ShizCakes> You know it takes your picture if it starts blinking when you go past it, right?
<prok> whoops

 

<Atlas> Wouldn't it be easier to sneak a gun in, shoot Ben, and STEAL BEN STEIN'S MONEY!

 

<|Chris> okay...here's one
<|Chris> what's the worst crime you've ever commited?
<Guilty> I once taped a Golden Girls episode with only implyed oral permission and not expressed written permission

 

<RevSlidey> a baby seal walks into a club

 

<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization

 

<eldeesux0r> i used to think lysol was a lice repellent
<eldeesux0r> one day i sprayed it in my hair before i went to school cuz they were doing lice checks
<eldeesux0r> i got a rash :|

 

toAzron1:Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

 

<neurotik> huhuhu i think steamed chicken is disgusting but i wouldn't consider myself steamedchicken-o-phobic
<neurotik> therefore i wouldn't consider myself homophobic either

 

dodee: I look british.
dodee: I think it's the haircut.
[jhk]: it's probably the teeth

 

<RadiX> I had a thought
<Isando> Wow it must have come as a surprise to you.
<RadiX> at first I thought it was a headache.. I wasn't sure what it was.

 

<MiDGeT`> so its just irony i guess
<MiDGeT`> but cooler
<BrettyBoy> i hate ironing

 

<Allen> what about Hall?
<CactusJac> he died
<Mikey316> he was arrested
<Allen> make up your mind..
<CactusJac> He was arrested for dying.

 

<DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

 

<TonyD> you hatiater
<DamianMor> What on earth is a hatiater?
<TonyD> it's a word I just made up
<TonyD> someone who radiates hate

 

<gb> it's impossible to argue with the ignorint

 

(debaser) i bought a mouse today
(debaser) and it didnt have a ball in it
(debaser) i got a neutered mouse.

 

<Elfin> lkmwclldsldldldldldld,e,e,e,e,e,,e,e,e,e,e,,e,e,e,e,e,,e,e,e,e,e,e
,e,e,e,,,,eee,e,olwowowoowolsalslslsllslslslslslslllsllsllsllslls lsls
<Elfin> That was me playing keyboard drums.
<memo> Rock on.
<Elfin> You know it.

 

<Cerebus> being bi-polar must suck
<Kender> well yes and no

 

<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away
<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob
<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs
<cristobal> and heat up the door knob
<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

 

<oneiros> Damn it.
<oneiros> I do not understand this.
<Kyle> Uh oh.
<jwbozzy> ...
<Kyle> Oneiros is reading "The Roly Poly Puppy" again.

 

<djfisty> i woke up with samuel l jackson's hairstyle from 'unbreakable'

 

<Rann-chan> I just want to run screaming into the night.
<ThePlaya> Do so
<Rann-chan> It's not dark yet.

 

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

 

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

 

<Raize> can you guys see what I type?
<vecna> no, raize
<Raize> How do I set it up so you can see it?

 

<Plot> I was either going to die now
<Plot> or get 80% third degree burns atleast
<Plot> someone had the gas knob opened
<Plot> I went into kitchen
<Plot> switched a bulb
<Plot> and wham
<Plot> kitchen was filled with one big fire ball
<theForger> woah dude
<C--> damn
<ThaDragon> If you just blow up your kitchen, and then proceed to get on IRC and tell people about it, you might be an IRC junkie…

 

<incarnate> hey cres, I know what you're thinking right now
<incarnate> " "
<cres> i dont get it

 

<skullY_> <-- Feels really bright now
<barkode> did you get a new lamp?

 

<Swish> life is so ironic
<Swish> Happy hour: when you imbibe great quantities of depressant

 

<Synoptica> holy crap
<Synoptica> i like
<Synoptica> almost swallowed an aaa battery
<Synoptica> (dont ask)

 

<BlackDeth> hatter doesn't like cocaine
<BlackDeth> he just likes the way it smells!

 

<CrazyClimber> top dangling modifier of the day:
<CrazyClimber> "A jet going 100 m.p.h. slammed into a deer, which ruptured a wing fuel tank and dumped 70 gallons of gas on the runway. "
<CrazyClimber> i knew about cows and methane, but...
<me_tew> Dammit, when are they going to REQUIRE that fuel tanks on deer be moved away from the wings.

 

<Villager> haven't you heard the phrase 'big is beautiful'?
<Alexander> i've heard the phrase 'fat is repulsive'

 

<CoMBo> so for job titles, i should put Wholesale Distributor, Bookkeeping and ...what goes here
<jube> Village Idiot

 

<Colrblind> Dev: it could be worse.. you could have a mullet and actually think its cool

 

<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

 

<sundown1> phone companies are the real root of all evil
<eMphire> and it spreads through the phonelines :)

 

Kid1: What are you, illiterate?
Teacher: Hey, we dont talk about illiterate people.
Kid2: Yea, we write about them.

 

<mike> i'm not afraid of heights.. i could look up at them all day
<mike> it's depths that get to me

 

<Doc> ok... kitchens clean, bathrooms clean
<Doc> thats the two easiest to clean rooms of the house done...
<cactoid> is that because you always eat out and you never shower?

 

<AtrocityX> is there a virus that can make your computer lag?
<DeskLazer> it's called AOL

 

<pfk> oh its may 21st..almost time for my bath

 

<puppet> a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship

 

<astroboy> I asked a japanese exchange student what kind of american TV he likes in japan.
<astroboy> he said full house.
<astroboy> I fear japan.

 

<iMike> monty python would be funny if nerds hadnt invented an entire subculture devoted to quoting it

 

Vrex989: know wonder you failed english

 

<AutistiCat> I'm forgetful.
<AutistiCat> Yet I can remember 50 digits of pi...
<Arcman> That's why, see.  That took up all your brain space.

 

<piman> RVD: Whereas the amount of people watching wrestling grows, oddly enough, at the same rate as the people who are 3rd generation welfare recipients.

 

<[chromex]> A paleontologist is a type of dinosaur

 

<JustNoodle> be right back
<JustNoodle> it's time for my daily sacrifice of a virgin
<meatwad_> you're committing suicide?!

 

<The_Enigmatic_Lemur> Hmm whats a nice sophisticated term to put on a resumé for fast food cook.
<Drain> ...
<ZS|GTA3> ...
<Geno|Morrowind> Hamburger Helper
<ZS|GTA3> Ahahah.
<Drain> ahaha

 

<herman> its easy as abxc

 

<doc> i feel no need to go to canada 
<doc> if i want a taste of canada, i'll drink a canada dry

 

<Dingles> Why am I such a funny person?
<Jack104> 'Cause your life is a joke?

 

terra begins dousing people in gasoline
<hngkong> Terra, why kill us?
<terra> Shush
<terra> it's perfume

 

craig: I suddenly have the urge to rip someone's ear off... can you guess why?
ted: uh... you've been possessed by vincent van gogh?

 

<Jahidi> love is just when two people decide to stalk each other.

 

<carcoal> what's a good car?
<carcoal> truck or sub
<jitspoe> sumbarines are usually good cars, carcoal

 

<krisi> anyone from ireland?
<Tbodd> no, we're all sober

 

Cat1013: Whoops
Cat1013: I just really confused my grandma.
HermitKing: She has IM?
Cat1013: She just got it. I was talking to her, and she asked about my new car.
Cat1013: I said that it was fine, but that it makes a funny noise whenever I shift.
HermitKing: So?
Cat1013: I left the "f" out of "shift".

 

<DawnG>I was forced to attend a seminar on leadership. We were broken into small groups and each was asked to state what skills a good leader possesses. I wrote, "Needs to be good with elephants and crossing Alps." The others at my table were amused, but the seminar coordinator didn't get it. I said it was a reference to Hannibal, known for his leadership qualities. Her reply: "What leadership qualities? He was a cannibal, and anyway, it was lambs, not elephants."

 

<burzzzzzz> i had a little disagreement with cement pilar while looking for a place to park my car :/

 

<Oriden> you have lenscrafters in canada?
<EV3> yup yup
<Gregg|WaitingForUO> no
<Gregg|WaitingForUO> we just leave our visually impaired to die.
<Gregg|WaitingForUO> get hit by cars and stuff

 

<Mandingo> My toilet will NOT stop running!
<Mandingo> Stupid toilet.  I give it SO MUCH, and this is how it repays me.

 

(CitizenC): I spilled my ashtray all over my computer earlier today.
(CitizenC): Took forever to clean up.
(CitizenC): At least I don't have to empty my ashtray now.

 

<Loopster> im acculy very smart

 

<pleb> hey how long does it take to get back the results from a fertility test?
<Ouroboros> Do you have a girlfriend?
<pleb> yeah
<Ouroboros> 9 months.

 

<timmo> remember how i told you guys about that chick
<timmo> i was talking to in the record store
<McMoo> the imaginary one?

 

<Snakeyes> anyone here the master of "DEATH OF A SALESMAN" i gotta answer 25 questions about it in 15 minutes!
<@dewx> i know i didn't watch it!
<@dewx> (isn't it a movie?)
<Snakeyes> its a play
<phoq> the salesman dies

 

<Affe> damn black socks
<Affe> i need to start pairing them together
<Affe> i pulled some out figuring 'oh if i pull out a few, i'll eventually end up with a pair'
<Affe> i had 8 different kinds of socks in my hand
<Ouroboros> Wow, Affe.
<Ouroboros> Your life must be incredibly boring if you thought that was interesting enough to tell us.

 

<chris> i have a pad of paper in front of me that is a list of every single thing i own.
<matt> what's on it?
<Mephistol> '1 pad of paper'

 

<syk|Fox> and this greenpeace guy comes up to us and tells us how bad oil companies are
<syk|Fox> then laura turns around looks him square in the face and tells him her dad owns an oil company
<syk|Fox> the guy ran off like she had aids or something
<Lid> you should've covered him in oil and lit him up like a chiristmas tree

 

<ibrahim> is there alive experts?
<ozzmosis> I've been alive since I was born, you could say I'm an expert at it

 

<Rin> 65 peolpe killed in Canada by guns last year
<Rin> 63 in UK
<Rin> 64 in Australia
<Rin> 11,456 in USA
<Ram> we win!

 

<Winkingdog> Cute toll collector At the Harbour tunnel this morning.  Blond,  young and very cute.  I'm gonna ask her out..
<Winkingdog> I wonder how many round trips I’ll have to do before I get the chance  :)
<DD> Man, she's already costing you money!

 

Jigglyjuff: that's worse then that peanut, butter and jelly sandwich i hear all americans like
<CHAT MattDavis>  no
<CHAT MattDavis>  peanut butter
Jigglyjuff: oh! that makes much more sense

 

<boomer> mount rushmore, contrary to popular opinion, did not grow that way

 

<gweedo> the French government's nuclear 'football' contains white flags and translations of 'We surrender' in 178 languages

 

<helminthes> what girls have to realize is that every other guy is wrong and i am right

 

<Wooben> So she called me and i told her she was really ugly
<Wooben> so that was the end of that

 

<dmc2> I hate it when my sound goes blurry.
<supakoopa> i hate when my video gets loud.

 

<Hemlock> cloning one's pet doesn't seem that costly
<Hemlock> i am seriously considering doing this
<Compute> hem:  you can't clone rocks, dumbass

 

<sKratch> you know what?  if we could choose our nationality at birth, there would be no canada
<sKratch> or it would just be a country full of morons
<sKratch> oh wait...

 

<SadisticEuphoria> im texan i don't have to be gramticly correct =D

 

Mortaneous>  idiots of that caliber still exist
Mortaneous> I thought Darwinian evolution woulda killed em off the first time they attacked the toaster with a knife for eating their bread

 

<Neo_Rockman> ummm... if it's friday the 7th, does this mean that in 7 more days it will be friday the 13th?
<Neo_Rockman> wait…

 

<Rhombus> US investigators say they have seen neither bodies nor graves while examining a civilian site in central Afghanistan, allegedly targeted by US warplanes earlier this week.
<Rhombus> That sounds like:
<Rhombus> fox investigators say there is no proof that any henhouses have been raided by foxes.

 

<Carplos-Duck> You just killed 100 innocent civilians, how do you feel?
<Pedro> patriotic

 

<+Hotaru> Hmm, 1 in 32 Americans are either in jail or prison, on probation, or on parole.
<@Riffraff> COOL!
<+Vulpes> I didn't know we had that many politicians.

 

<[vr]bLaZe|wErK> i finally registered for me fall classes
<[zT]Lunchie> i hope english is one of them

 

<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say

 

<PrincessLeia2> once i climbed on the roof at my old (upstairs) apartment and climbed in through a window when I didnt have my keys
<Shell Gh0st> I use to do that
<Shell Gh0st> you had a nice apartment

 

<FL|Work> forgot to pay my stupid tax
<Pi|Mu|Rho> you get taxed on stupid? That's going to be one hefty bill.
<marek> he could fund 3 new hospitals all by himsel 

<bpshuler> it all comes down to what your goal is. and once again, because people don't want to figure out on their own what they want, they allow marketers to dictate it to them, then act on it. frustrates me to no end
<Yawgatog> I want Super Mario World for Game Boy Advance. That'll rule!

 

<Warhead> call off, everyone: boxers or briefs?
<Enargy> depends
<Warhead> ......control problems?

 

<guardian> whos john lennon?

<obi-rav> has the same sounding songs like the beatles, they must have inspired him
<guardian> probs

 

<CoMBo> haha, dude i can kill u
<CoMBo> with my bear hands
<refujee> you're a bear?
<refujee> or did you just get bear hands grafted onto your body?

 

<MattV> Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, and F are the letters for bra sizes?
<MattV> If you've wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you were informed!
<MattV> A- Almost boobs
<MattV> B- Barely there
<MattV> C- Can't complain!
<MattV> D- Damn!
<MattV> DD- Double damn!
<MattV> E- Enormous!
<MattV> F- Fake.

 

*** Jei-Dijitaru has quit IRC (Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.)

 

<miriamb>  is there really horse in horseradish?

 

Stinkysteven67: I love married with children. Its a great show.
Lucy17: It's ok, One thing that bugs me about that show,
In the pilot series they had Al bundy sounding like he was from Brooklyn
or something when they are supposed to be from Chicago.
Stinkysteven67: Where do you think brooklyn is dork?
Lucky17: Its in new york goofball, chicago is in illinios.
Stinkysteven67: Oh sorry, I've never been good at geometry.
Lucy17: Umm yea..

 

<Purelimit> man we hear about all these terrorists nowadays
<SgtPayne> Yeah but most came here legally staying after their visas expired
<Purelimit> Are u serious?

<SgtPayne> Yeah compare that to blockbuster if your 3 days late their people are all over you
<Purelimit> yeah lets put blockbuster in charge of immagration
<SgtPayne> rofl

 

<Lordb> me want to meet some women tonight
<godlike> me thinks women might like man more if man didn't talk like ape.

 

<sexy_westie> lmao. . . . . reminds me of a childhood story
<sexy_westie> my grandmother bought my mother (10yrs old at time) a chihuahua pup (cost a bomb apparently) only for the cat to eat it in the first day lmao
<sexy_westie> must have thought it was a yapping rat

 

<Ariela> I want a man that is like a purse: looks good on your arm, carries your things, and hopefully matches your shoes.
<Nap> I want a woman who's like a good pair of shoes: looks good, provides support, and doesn't recite stupid analogies.

 

<FLoRa> i'd actually rather be ugly than fat
<milenko> hmm i dont think so
<milenko> you can lose fat
<milenko> BUT YOU CANT LOSE UGLY!

 

<0oyeaho0> Hey, i have a new boyfriend.  hes so dreamy, and i'm so in love with him.  Hes so nice and sweet.  I just adore him.  I feel like ive known him forever.
<oaklandfoo1> where's he from?
<0oyeaho0> uh, im not sure.

 

<SoulBain> I think my keyboard's unplugged.

 

(ori) I just watched the movie "Malcolm X"!!
(ori) but I have a question
(ori) What happend to the other nine malcolm movies?

 

<Scott> I thought they were all saying "Hi, Hitler!" Makes sense, since they're waving...

 

<KeeperS> one of the questions on there is "HOW MANY SIDES DOES A TRIANGLE HAVE?"
<KeeperS> and it has a picture of a triangle
<KeeperS> and then 4 answer choices
<KeeperS> how do you get that wrong?

 

<Tim3WorX> somtimes
<Tim3WorX> when i'm naked
<Tim3WorX> and alone
<j4yj0hn> dont finish that sentence

 

<Messiah> I remember what's her name
<Messiah> ok granted obviously not that well

 

<DoctorRiff> captain planet didnt teach me to save the earth, it taught me to stab hippies for giving me crap cartoons

 

Tool2004: she said i seem "cuddly"
Espn0013: like a walrus

 

<Kazeuri> That would rock to live in a cave back in the day. I would still rather be a pirate though.
<Kazeuri> I guess I have to settle for internet pirate. Yarrr, sail the seven ISPs.

 

<intokbles> sorry, i cant understand...
<intokbles> im from argentina,
<nobody> its ok jose
<intokbles> and my english it`s not so goof
<nobody> : )
<nobody> actually it is goof

 

<Fryth> anyone seen the movie pi?
<Murdock> I saw it 3.14 times.

 

<OS|flu> aww poor canadian soldiers
<iZac> canadian soldiers? is it oxymoron night?
<enntee> you're here, so it's just moron night.

 

<Dunrick> My iq is 20/20

 

<ruumis> FBI says upcoming terror attack will be "Spectacular!"...Donald Rumsfeld is calling it a "Must See", and Tom Ridge says, "If you heed just one Terror Warning this year...heed this one !"

 

<b1u3> when i was in like 5th grade, a DARE cop came to visit our class
<b1u3> he was going through his whole deal like 'yes im a real police officer, and this is a real gun on my belt, and if you try to grab it im trained to break your arm upon reflex' and of course we had a doped up kid with ADD in our class who only heard 'this is a real gun, try to grab it'

 

<Grim13> Mariah Carey's cleavage got nominated for "Worst onscreen couple"

 

<Rivorus> my dad actually called the other day, and he goes "You want to talk to mom" so I say "yeah" and then I hear him shout "Gina, you wanna talk to your son" and I hear her in the back say  "I'm watching TV right now, I'll talk to him at Christmas" and my dad's like "She's... in the shower"

 

<Birk> Since you know, you get to choose a name when you are pope
<Birk> If I ever became pope I would choose the name Perri.
<Birk> So then people would call me pope perri, and they would be forced to laugh whenever saying my name.

 

<Bubbs-> arg, too... much, garlic bread... breast, stinks
<Bubbs-> er...breath

 

<[Ht]Fro> Here in canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless...it's called winter

 

<_Tenchi_> i also start feeling old when i see all these new fangled colors in
           M&Ms and Lucky Charms
<Vulpyne> Didn't they only used to be like brown and yellow?
<_Tenchi_> yeah
<_Tenchi_> these days i cant tellw hether im eating M&Ms or skittles
<rs> tenchi:  mix 'em together and you've got S&Ms

 

<TNK> sweden is the most wasted land in the world- so many beautiful girls, and because it's cold there they wear too many clothes =]

 

<Ronwe> I never claimed to have a good memory....
<Malice> Maybe you did. It's not like you'd remember.

 

<oblique> i dated a canadian once
<Znutar> Did you get a refund?

 

<Dice> I've done it
<Dice> I've made a calculate
<Dice> calculater*
<Prothe|Studying> make a spell check now

 

<Phix> 70lbs of plutonium fell into san francisco bay off some ship or something
<Phix> did it cause any freak deformities?
<Phix> well it is San Francisco

 

<`Kd> iv finally mastered my keyboars

 

<zer0man> i wish someone told me that having a girlfriend was going to be difficult
<zer0man> or if they told me that, I wish i listened

 

<@Gibbon> My cat had a better dinner than I did tonight.  It has "sliced duck with olives" ... I had a couple of bits of toast
<@Gibbon> there's something fundamentally wrong with that

 

<Atarax> Canada is the USA's largest national park

 

<ZXPKNOBB> I should make a cereal, where it is potato chips.
<ZXPKNOBB> And you must eat it in water, not in milk.
<ZXPKNOBB> It'll be called Gross Flakes.

 

<@blodyholy> do you know the importance of mixing caramel and honey and whipping creme together and heating it up in the microwave for 2 minutes and pouring it on your cat?

(Byron’s note: I have NO idea what this means… but I cracked up when I read it)

 

<Splortch> i should diet
<Komando> chop off the t and just die

 

The_Loser_: Lol. 2 Ads just came on TV. The first one shows a cowboy guy telling me how I can find all my holiday gifts for everyone at "Tractor Supply." and then at the end he says "Hope y'all have a good christmas." and after that, an Ad for the flea market came on. - Thank you for the brutal reminder that I'm in a Southern State. *puke*

 

<toe2toe> the part i like is where IRAQ's going "we got nothing"
<toe2toe> and US is going "PFFFT WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU OUT"
<toe2toe> and then
<toe2toe> North Koreas going "CHECK OUT OUR NUKES, BUDDY"
<toe2toe> and US is going "Hey... are you iraq? no? THEN STAY OUT OF IT"

 

<dan> what the hell is a ponzi scheme
<brian-w> where you go into a meeting with a leather jacket and go 'Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!'
<brian-w> and they give you money

 

<hypr> ¿
<LkTruth1> hypr is confused in Spanish.

 

<Dejocko> I lose 50 IQ points when i talk to girls, no fair
<GIJosh> you had 50?

 

<myles> i just wanna go to court and be on the plantiff side for once

 

TwilightKnight00: hey can you do me a favor
Dr SpaZZo: no.
Dr SpaZZo: Go on.

 

<Goldath> I just made a sandwich with enough meat to kill a large bird
<Goldath> Oh wait, it did
<Goldath> Hahaha, stupid turkey

 

<zathras> This game of rhymes is eating at my brain, I beg of thee, sir, for the love of god, refrain!
<Deliphos> I cannot! In my blood it doth runneth! Hush thee now, lest I cap with my gunneth!

 

<Emilia> i didn't think i was going to do better than the 100 gallons of bean dip for the prison
<Skiltron> man, you never get good bean dip when you buy by the gallon
<darker> I bet it makes good spackle though
<Skiltron> it spackles your intestines closed

 

CreeDi: I made a joke to this chick about how she was grumpy because she was
beaten a lot as a child, and it turns out she really was.
CreeDi: I felt about as big as a keebler elf testicle.

 

<KingHenry> castrated men live longer
<Phuser> but do castrated men really live?

 

(PrimoPyro) sometimes I talk on the phone when im on the crapper =)
(PrimoPyro) *bloop*
(PrimoPyro) "what was that?"
(PrimoPyro) ahh.. I dropped an ice cube in my drink...

 

<vmob_babe> french is a beautiful language.
<agent_rot> i dont like it
<vmob_babe> why is that?
<agent_rot> cuz i dont like words like 'bourdoeux' or whatever are "bordo"
<vmob_babe> hmm.
<agent_rot> theyre just trying to cheat at scrabble i tell you!

 

<guyen> dammit i'm not going to be home this weekend, i have an online exam i have to take, but i'll be in LA
<guyen> there's a wedding going on so i won't be able to exactly just do it at my relative's house
<guyen> i'm looking for cybercafes and stuff, the only thing i can find is some place called Yogi's Cyber Hut
<guyen> holy crap i can't believe i'm depending on Yogi for my midterm grade
<xan> at least he's smarter than the average bear

 

(Byron’s note: Clinton-era joke here)
<Berzerker> hey
<Berzerker> you hear about the new game they play at the white house?
<Berzerker> swallow the leader.

 

<slackor> maybe, send me your pic first. last person i met off the net turned out to be 12 FBI agents

 

<kyourek> KEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEE!!
<DrWoody> ... What?
<kyourek> Just practicing my karate.

 

<AkumaUsagi> because every scoobie doo episode could have been 1 minute long if only someone would have eventually bought a gun.

 

<Kamz-History-X> where do bad folks go when they die?
<Lid> into politics.

 

<gord> i dont like you
<gord> and if i met your mom i probly woudlnt like her either

 

<JungleMason> There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.
<Gabealicious> Have you tried epoxy?
<JungleMason> Yes, and the smell reminds me of you.
<Gabealicious> Or... maybe some of that spray foam insulation...
<JungleMason> I LOVE that stuff.
<Gabealicious> me too!
<JungleMason> Tastes GREAT on a Triscuit.
<Gabealicious> Yes ... some folks call it 'ez cheez'
<JungleMason> Burger King calls it "Ranch Dip."

 

<Amber> Hey would you ever date a girl who was ugly as hell but rich?
<crunchyfish> Would you?
<MechaMrEd> Why, are you rich?

 

<gig103> I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares?  How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

 

<iora> i steal no hearts.
<iora> brains are more valuable on the black market.

 

<Infe> what happens if you try to recharge an alkaline battery
<HomerJ> blows up
<Andrigaar> Don't they explode?
<Andrigaar> I wonder if it's violent or just some leaking battery acid.
<Infe> i think it's all a scam to get you to pay more for 'rechargeables' and ---
<Infe> AHHHHHHHHHHH MY FACE
<Infe> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

<Gatsby> Glutamate to Lysine aat 487!
<Insom_BF> what I can't figure out
<Insom_BF> is how you manage to spell glutamate and lysine, but misspell 'at'

 

<CompGod> If crime doesn't pay, is my job illegal?

 

<Volt9000> here's soemthing really mean to do to a random fat person on the street: if you're approaching them from the front, as you get near, start drifting towards them, going "woooaaaH' then start circling around them, screaming "I CANT BREAK ORBIT, CAPTAIN!!"

 

<Alipha> ..can you fax me some paper for my printer?

 

<Hawkeye> Spiderman reminds me of adolesence. One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.

 

<J.Rai> Mr Pibb. - He's like Dr. Pepper without the degree.

 

<QuaKed_Oatmeal> i always wanted to be an evil genious\
<QuaKed_Oatmeal> ever since i saw all those james bond movies...
<Shatai> You could start by spelling genius right ;)

 

<MadManDaz> I bought one of those camouflage shirts and put it in my closet. Now I can't find it.

 

<Yurmaster> I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

 

<nwa_> someone sniff me and send me a copy of all the info you collect, i am most interested
<beeMind> nwa_: I've been sniffing you and I have some info. You smell funny.

 

(@icono) what is it youre mad at?
(NecroMort) women
(@icono) all women or just the ones who won't sleep with you
(NecroMort) same thing ;)

 

<LilGCube740-> im not an idiot i just dont like things that are too comlicated

 

(@CitizenC): I'd pay $100 US to shoot a cow with a rocket launcher.

 

<Arky> im a repeat stupid
<Arky> haha funnily enough..i didn't mean to type stupid :/ i meant to type student...i guess we can see why im repeating now can't we....

 

<gerald> i am hungr
<antiuser> so hungry you ate a letter y?

 

<Spike> You know what I want to do? I want to go on eBay and buy all the
souvenier pieces of the Berlin wall, then reconstruct it along the Mexican border

 

<rock> hey
<Capn_Panic> hey
<Shockster> hey
<Capn_Panic> it's fat albert!

 

<Mercster>   ever shot a Glock?
<Eppy>   i don't know any glocks, but if they're like most people i've met, i probably wouldn't mind squeezing off a few rounds at them

 

<+The_Steel> I scored a 96% on the procrastination test
<+The_Steel> I'm not suprised
<+emul8or_> i put off the procrastination test till tomorrow

 

<bytraper> sheesh... I crashed the last company car I had :/
<bytraper> I pulled the sun visor down and a spider with 15 legs dropped from it
<girlie-> 15 legs.. lol
<Dark_un> thats almost 2 spiders

 

<DB> So, anyone have a secret to immortality they would like to share with me?
<Nidoking> Don't die.

 

(@Bean): rofl
(@Bean): I asked my g/f too marry me, she took me seriously

 

<Targaff> nem1: i've got the solution to your little
<Targaff> problem
<DrtySOUTH> viagra?

 

<qtpielucy2002> what country do dutch people live?
<udderbalm> dutchovia.
<qtpielucy2002> really?

 

<SaraMarie> the houston texans
<SaraMarie> how original
<toast_> do they have an open container as a mascot?

 

<circle> one place was offering like $2500 if u let them cut off a toe and re-attach it
<McMoo> that's excellent
<circle> no kidding, i'd be like, "do all 10"

 

<A-KO> heh
<A-KO> so
<A-KO> what's the latest on Iraq? heh
<@crw> eh, apparently it's still there.
<@crw> we're working to rectify the problem :P
<A-KO> lol

 

<azrael69> why do all goths express their individuality the same?

 

<Bal> saw lotr2
<biff|JK2> u like Bal?
<Bal> when legolas calls out to gimli at the begining, i was expecting him to say 'come on silent bob'
<Lun> LOL

 

<Mercy> It's (assassinate the president) fun to annoy (charter a plane, pentagon) the NSA by (shoot George Bush) inserting crap into innocent (blow up congress) sentences.
<Mercy> Or so I've been (nuke Washington) told.
<@Ixnorp> One would think that the NSA would have slightly more advanced filtering techniques than regexp.
* Mercy Quit (Ping timeout)
<@Ixnorp> Or maybe not.

 

<Kirke> I had interests too
<Kirke> But they all ended in court

 

<NetShadow> this is going to sound pitiful... but can you tell me how to use a washing machine
(Byron’s note: When I was working at FedEx, I knew a guy… one night his wife called him and said ‘We have got to get a new dryer, this one is broken.’ So he starts going through the checklist over the phone. ‘Is it plugged in’, etc..Then he gets to the point where he asks about the lint screen. She says, ‘Lint Screen? What is that?’
He told me the next day that when he got home there was so much lint in there he could barely get the screen out of the machine. Ha haaaa! His wife didn’t know that there is a lint screen in the outtake of the dryer. He probably had enough lint in there to make a new suit!)

 

<chin> i got a solution, lets shoot homeless at the missles
<chin> that way the system pays for itself

 

<CrazyDe> some dude on ebay is threatening to sue me for copyright infringement
<Guilty> Did you claim to be the Real Slim Shady?

 

<xjeff> the other day a tree almost fell on my house!
<xjeff> a big tree
<Mithandir> better luck next time

 

<CreepingDeath> what was that other guy
<CreepingDeath> during WWII
<CreepingDeath> he was in charge of the concentration camps
<CreepingDeath> argh can't remember his name
<Malek> colonel klink?

 

<kegpin> I gotta go.
<Krebstar> ok, get better soon, keg.
<puppyfish> aww... is keg sick?
<Krebstar> nope. I just think he could be better than he is.

 

<ilde> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

<Compn> i have an acoustic guitar or whatever the non electic ones are called

 

<Puff-working> I play the banjo..never learned fiddle..but I might someday.
<Puff-working> and I can make a harmonica sing.
<Unfor|Work> I play the CD player

 

<StarThorn> Leave it to the computer programmers to shorten the "Year 2000 Millennium Bug" to "Y2K."  Isn't that what caused this problem in the first place?

 

<Frodo1234> Although it turns out that "non-toxic" isn't synonomous with "great for snacking" when it comes to toys
<Frodo1234> Even though they say that bubble blowing fluid is non toxic, apparently you're still not supposed to chug it

 

<midi> I wonder how hard it'd be to piece together clips from hogan's heroes into a mentos commercial.
(Byron’s note: I have no idea what this means either, but it is the second Hogan’s Heroes reference I saw today, so I thought I’d include it here)

 

<clay> my car is immobile
<ryanwrk> doesnt that go against the whole point of a car existing
<clay> i can push it around

 

<Rage> Best pickup line ever is "Hey, does this smell like chloroform?"

 

<{Work}Logan> It feels like quitting time, and one should trust one's feelings.

 

( StillSearching ) time to feed my cat, she’s bugging me
( StillSearching ) what is it about cats where they know you are reading something, so they have to walk all over it?
( StillSearching ) how do i uninstall that feature?
( [F] ) with a hammer

 

<Thrasher> What drugs should be used to increase statistics in my game?
<Ear> Well, beta-blockers would have a positive effect on accuracy, but a negative effect on strength.
<Ear> Acebutolol hydrocholoride, alprenolol hydrocholoride, atenolol, labetalol hydrochloride, metoprolol tartrate, nadolol, oxprenolol hydrochloride, propranolol hydrocholoride, sotalol hydrocholoride are the beta-blockers banned by the IOC.
<Thrasher> ...Remind me not to ask you for help again.

 

<Spengler> you know what?
<Spengler> the matrix would have been a really bad movie if he took the blue pill.

 

<FuseGirl> life is like a toilet roll, when it's near the end, you panic

 

<@frosty[bong]> its December!!!
<@kmad> sweet
<@kmad> only 14 months till feburary

 

<Phuser> Someone asked me if I knew what time it was today
<Phuser> I said, Yes, but not right now.

 

<meohmy> at the end of the day its smokers that keep the hospitals running

 

<CHAT Phut>  I'm a rebel.
<CHAT Phut>  Yesterday, I crossed the street and I only looked TO THE LEFT!
<CHAT Phut>  (you are supposed to look both ways)

 

<The_Atari> I also hear they're making a Back to the Future 4
<[-FcG-]aawis> he goes back in time to fix his parkinsons desease

 

<Ed> I like those upside-down ketchup bottles.
<Ed> They were a long time coming, but still.
<IQpierce> They were mentioned in Revelation, as a sign of the Apocalypse.
<IQpierce> "And yea, the moon shall become as fire, and fall into the sea, and the ketchup bottles, they shall invert themselves, and the winged bears shall pull the arms from the sockets of the faithful, in thy mercy."
<IQpierce> direct quote.
<Ed> They're apocalyptically convenient!
<IQpierce> That's why their slogan for this campaign is "Apocalycious!"

 

<blade[fd]> i have this damn hole in my lips
<stolenrims|fd> yeah, that's your mouth

 

UFO19M: I’d burn her like a witch but I am afraid of the fumes

 

<Legind> I cant remember my earliest memory

 

<NIH> Dec 12 1917
<NIH> The worst train wreck in history, leaving 543 Frenchmen dead.
<NIH> Worst... or best?

 

<Waynebo> Today was haiku day in English class!
<Waynebo> My haiku was Guy in front of me/ Does not know he is asian/ Karate chop him
<Waynebo> The guy in front of me's haiku was Guy behind of me / Wants to karate chop me/ I am very scared

 

<Wooben> So she called me and i told her she was really ugly
<Wooben> so that was the end of that

 

<Funk> I think the puppet on the left supports my views. No, I think the puppet on the right supports my views the best. Hey, they're both held by the same man! GO BACK TO SLEEP AMERICA, YOUR GOVERNMENT IS IN CONTROL
<craNKGod> WE NEED TO REVOLT
<Funk> Trust me, you Americans are revolting enough

 

<@Stapler[BTEG]> I'll be 19 in exactly one month.
<+Stinger> Stapler[BTEG]: whens your birthday?
<@Stapler[BTEG]> Stinger: Add one month.

 

<_Obi-Wan_> so what should we discuss?
<Liquid> ....hmm....Ebonics!
<_Obi-Wan_> ebonics?
<Andy_Hock> The disease?

 

(Craig): watching something on suicide bombers on discovery
(doggie^): lol
(doggie^): wonder how they managed that
(doggie^): not many people to interview or anything

 

<jenwolf> i remember when it was a big deal when we got our first color TV
<jenwolf> my dad was like, now you can see that the pink panther is pink!!

 

<extremist> strep?
<extremist> that thing where girls take their clothes off?

 

<Drugdown> Everyone makes mistakes.
<Fleebis> Especially you.


* Derek_ thinks costa ricans are wierd
<matts> I think people who spell weird "wierd" are weird


<Zardoz> cool. calculated pi to 18 decimal places.
<Trucci> know what would have been cooler?
<Trucci> ANYTHING


<Spooky42> omg i just stabbed myself in the face with a corncob holder thing
<Funky_> hahahahahahah
<Funky_> is it bad?
<Spooky42> its bleeding a little..
<Funky_> :(
<Spooky42> i got butter on it too :(
<Funky_> ok...
<Funky_> so... WHY did you stab yourself in the face with a corncob holder thing?
<Spooky42> im not sure quite how it happened :(
<Funky_> wtf
<Funky_> you don't know how you stabbed yourself in the face?
<Spooky42> i was eating corn. and it slid out of the corncob and i went to slide it in real quick and it didnt line up with the previous holes and it slid off into my cheek
<Funky_> HAHAHAHAH
<Spooky42> it hurts!
<Funky_> sorry
<Funky_> It's just too funny
<Spooky42> i dropped my corn too!


<PsykoFaerie> everyone got into discussions about how i must have an eating disorder
<monk[e]> psyko, if you throw up right after eating... intentionaly... you have an eating disorder
<Aelhaeran> Pysko: and if your prone to sharp, stabbing pains in your eye after a meal, chances are you have a fork lodged in it 

 

<DavidGilmour> Some people are like Slinkies... generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

<Crimson_Dynamo> If I were stranded on a desert isle, I think I would make a girl out of coconuts, but she'd probably just want to be friends

 

<+k\o\w> for some reason, ever since I was a young kid I wanted to hatch an egg
<+k\o\w> I would steal them from the fridge
<+k\o\w> and sit on them for hours
<+k\o\w> but they never hatched
<+k\o\w> and I would cry

 

<mov> DAL: u seen 2001 - A space odyssey?
<DAL9000> that has to be the stupidest question i've ever heard

 

<supers> one of the tv guide cross word makers died
<supers> i guess they buried him 6 down and 6 across

 

< froggie> how frequently do chest infections kill asthmatics?
< punchcard> no more than once i would guess

 

<Slasher> Remember that some of us have a social life...
<Crusher> Social life? Where can I download that?

 

<Screwy> I went on a 30-day diet
<Screwy> and lost 30 days

 

<FyNXeR> Pardon my spelling... but I'm from Sweden
<sumbody> pardon my accent, i am from southeast asia
<DrMonkey> pardon my shotgun, i'm from west virginia

 

< Scribble> Must be interesting to live with the animal that ruined your life.
< Scribble> ...
< Scribble> Ask any married guy.

 

<Burned> Its stuff like the Columbia shuttle disaster that really brings you down to earth

 

<Aboo> we have enough youth, how about a fountain of 'smart'

 

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

 

<GrndZero> "China has already cloned human embryos"
<GrndZero> Go china
<xscope> yeah..thats what China needs..more people.

 

<jstepka> there is nothing about you a complete personality change couldn’t fix.

 

<StrScream> jeremy: as long as you're going postal, can you find out why I haven't gotten any mail for 3 days?

 

(@virt) cracker barrel is the most hilarious name for a place where a bunch of white people go

 

<TNK> sweden is the most wasted land in the world- so many beautiful girls, and because it's cold there they wear too many clothes

 

<Kitsa> heh, you want to see something funny, closed-caption the news.
<Kitsa> "twenty people were taken to the emergency room after touching debris"
<Kitsa> translates to
<Kitsa> "twently people were taken to emerge in see room after touching the brie."
<Kitsa> the deaf must think we're insane.

 

<Ash> Anybody can get a girlfriend, just like anybody can get a job. Most likely he has a "minimum wage" girlfriend.

 

<_molly_> I only shower when I   A: smell, or   B: fall into the mud
<melf> Does B happen a lot ?

 

<Halcr0> If I had a knife, I'd shoot you

 

<jan^beer> it seems like i have a problem every weekend with a different girl
<jan^beer> I NEED A STABLE RELATIONSHIP!!
<+Burned> a horse ?

 

<sora> I don't think goths are evil and satanic, I think they're pitiful and irritating. Like street mimes, only not as much fun to set on fire with kerosene.

 

<Ak> Today, a blind man who was begging for change addressed me as I walked past.
<Ak> I gave him a quarter, and he said "thank you kind sir"
<Ak> then, he asked me what time it was, so out of habit, i held up my watch.
<Ak> He said, "11:56? Thanks buddy."

 

<Fugazi> Like I said before, I never repeat myself!

 

<cORBIT> when i sneeze it sounds like a kung fu movie

 

<HSOK> my dad just came up stairs, he said i was playing my music too loud
<HSOK> im using headphones

 

<ziz> i wrote a haiku
<ziz> but it is not very good
<ziz> so i won't share it
<Nastard> i wrote one myself
<Nastard> it is much better than yours
<Nastard> i should write some more

 

<Bloaty121> hmm i was just watching a jif commercial and now i want a peanut butter sandwich
<|404notfound> They're brainwashing you, watch out.
<Bloaty121> but i'm hungry
<|404notfound> That's what they want you to think.

 

<bliP> dammit, why can't the guys next door who don't wear shirts be chicks

 

<Moony>I bet it can't compare to two sprained ankles, a dislocated bone, and a swollen knee
<MadHAtter> How the hell did that happen?
<Moony>  I was walking. Then I wasn't.

 

<Jason_Bee> we'd probably all die if the stock market crashed
<Mugworm> well yeah, if it crashed right into your house

 

<Art`> I don't want to work with people, I'm not a big people person
<Saccy> I thought you wanted to be a surgeon?
<Art`> Well they're under general anaesthetic, I don't have to talk to them.

 

<Focusyn> hmm there are chicks on my floor named Johnnie, Scott and Brett
<@SJr|Tecra> tell them that after the operations they are suppose to pick girls names.

 

<Surtur> so.. i saw david bowie two nights ago...
<Surtur> t'was good.
<|Wolf|> in concert?
<Surtur> oh yeah.
<|Wolf|> disregard what i just asked
<Surtur> no just walked into my bathroom and there he was, in the tub!
<AlumaSqrl> hahaha
<AlumaSqrl> floating face down

 

<enajyram> support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.

 

<FLB> Since you have a civic, if I win the lottery one day...
<FLB> I'm gonna buy both of your neighbours new cars to park beside your civic

 

<TheThree> your special?
<Mj> you're
<TheThree> sorry my grammer sucks
<Mj> grammar
<TheThree> as dose my spelling
<Mj> does
<TheThree> i give up
<Mj> I

 

<devoid> did you know that dell dude got busted for pot
<devoid> it confuses me because i always thought marijuana was a gateway drug

 

<Greggorian> is it a big book?
<Jakeb> take your hand and make a tight fist
<Jakeb> now move it up till it's a foot in front of your face
<Jakeb> now hit yourself in the face as hard as you can
<Jakeb> that's what if would feel like if i hit you in the face with that book, cause it's pretty big

 

<Glasses> Quebec is on fire?
<Glasses> I'm sure the rest of Cananda won't be too upset...
<Paul> Upset? They started it!

 

<SkyKing> freudian whip
<SkyKing> i mean slip
<SkyKing> doh

 

<cinnabar> tv rots the mind, destroys the imagination, promotes obsesity, and encourages commercialism.
<jazzstepa> its the american way

 

ashie is already starting to miss senior year of high school
<ashie> i cut school so much, i'd end up coming in on holidays, not knowing there was no school

 

<[-FcG-]Digger> LOLOLOL, Some lady just called my cell and was like "Hi I'd like to place an order"  So I took it!  She's gonna be pissed when the pizza doesn't arrive.
<[-FcG-]Digger> LMAO CLASSIC
<[-FcG-]Digger> Oh man, I RULE!

 

<Skier`> oops
<Skier`> I just opened the door to let my cat in, and it wasn't my cat
<Skier`> there's a strange cat curled up on my couch now

 

<Shuichi> but i'm an optimist
<Slick_Wil> so glass half full then?
<Shuichi> are you implying i have a drinking problem Slick_Wil?

 

<smileygirl> you say
<^haploid^> Wow, a subject *and* a verb. You are getting very close to composing complete sentences. I applaud you.

 

<slinky> i ordered a pizza
<slinky> the pizza guy came and brought the pizza, he said: "there was no address, but i figured it was for you"
<slinky> maybe i order too regularly or something

   

<rouge> you vegetarian?
<AlmtyBob> yeah
<rouge> i'm sorry.

 

(Byron’s note: the following is a classic record of idiocy, along the lines of ‘Who’s on First’. Except that <olah> is actually so stupid he does not know what ‘dunno’ means)
 <olah> what does 'dunno' mean?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> anyone else?
<goof> i said i don't know
<olah> yeah, i saw...but does anyone else know what it means?
<goof> I DON'T KNOW !!
<olah> yeah, i know
<goof> then why do you ask?!
<olah> because i want to know!
<goof> you said you DID know!
<olah> no, i know that you don't know
<goof> i KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
<olah> what, then?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> omg...DO you or DON'T you know?!
<goof> i means: I DON'T KNOW !!
<goof> aargh...stupid...

 

<er0s> you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when i thought i was wrong but was actually right.

 

<nroklost> your life is a lie
<somery> dude, i'm just talkin' about your mullet, don't get all existential on me

 

<Kilroy`> I had this blind date, her name was :. .:. : ... .::

 

<JohnnyZZ> my friend use to put his cat in a pillowcase and throw it down the stairs when we were little. the cat's name was Oscar. i used to to call him Oscar the grouch, because he was grouchy a lot of the time.
<Padijun> Maybe he was grouchy because you threw it down the stairs in a pillowcase, genius.

 

<Aiwa> I might be writing an editorial about the state of NASCAR and what led to Dale Earnhardt's death...
<Graphic_V> I'm guessing the wall.

 

<Red_Sky> It must have been a slow newsday. The headline for today's paper is 'Suicide Bomber Killed'.

 

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

 

<aberration> I hear they opened a wal-mart in china.... i can imagine the people who shop there... "Hey I just made that yesterday !"

 

<Space_Boy> 70% of statistics are made up on the spot

 

@(mhweaver) new philosophy on life:
@(mhweaver) "I may have to share this planet with animals, but I'm doing my damn best to eat every last one of them”

 

(Byron’s note: this is too funny to me. This guy <joet> has no idea what the peeps are talking about, nor does he know proper grammar)
*** joet (~joet@ilm25-44-179.ec.rr.com) has joined #javascript
<joet> hey
<Object> hey joe
<yossarian> where you going with that gun of yours?
<yossarian> hey joe, i heard you shot your woman down
<[Roosta]> shot her down to the ground?
<joet> umm huh?
<impatient> hey joe, where you gonna run to now?
<joet> I think you have me mistakened with somone else

 

<zhixel> I'd really like to meet a sane woman who doesn't have to
constantly rely on me for emotional support
<far_call> and I'd really like to be able to drive my car to jupiter

 

<griffin> im disappointed in my mom
<pagan> me too
<pagan> she did a bad job

 

Xian just heard a loud bang out side
<Xian> OMG
<Xian> THe pizza boy hit our car!
<Valv|tuba> WHAT?
<Boko> Is the pizza okay!?!?

 

<Dezmo> man, a coworker of mine had a blind date, so I offered to call him right after he met her so if she was ugly he could act like some emergency had come up and had to go
<Dezmo> so I call, and she answers the phone "is this the emergency phone call in case I'm a skank?"

 

<Zammbo> If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.

 

<Reno> I wonder who the joker is that is sending me such a huge e-male
<EIGHTBALL> an e-male?
<EIGHTBALL> damn
<EIGHTBALL> can I get an e-female anywhere?
<EIGHTBALL> preferrably not huge

 

<kmad> ppl should stop using worn-out cliches because they're not funny anymore
<}}T-DuB--> is that your final answer?

 

<xhg> we're not allowed to have dogs in our condo. But judging from some of the women present at the condo meeting, I'm not sure that bylaw is obeyed.

 

<DrWoody> Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.

 

<Ogredude> Radio Shack...  You've got questions, we've got blank stares.

 

<darw> where did they drop the hiroshima bomb?

 

<acetylcholine> if it's 2 things i hate it's racial profiling and arabs on my airplane

 

<boxed> "duh, do they have their own dollars in europe? I was to canada once, and they had their own dollars! can you believe that?"
<boxed> note that that's an actual quote from some people my dad met in the US once

 

<cj_> i hate it when someone at work has to point out to me that my shirt is both inside out and backwards.
<jej> is it?
<cj_> it is.
<cj_> i pulled the whole Fashion Statement routine..

 

<Kersus> we have to exchange presents at work. we had a $20 limit. So naturally
  I bought 20 dollars worth of kool-aid

 

<ShaneBe> i think i just realized what i have been doing wrong with my life.
<ShaneBe> i make goals... but the goals are things like:
<ShaneBe> "I am going to eat this 10-pack of tacos if it kills me."

 

<DmDragon> all my cars are haunted
<DmDragon> i had one car where the glove compartment would keep opening at random times
<DmDragon> so it opened once and i just finally said "ok then, stay open" well the car stalled out the radio turned on and off and the flashlights started flashing while the windshield wipers started
<DmDragon> so i slowly reached over and closed it.. then the car just went back to normal

 

<@drew> saceist is a kind of person who always has that dumb look on his face.
<@saceist> huh?

 


<MtDew> just get an air horn
<ttyR2> I happen to have one
<ttyR2> runs off a bottle of CO2 from my paintball gun
<MtDew> my parents used to have a small one sitting next to the phone
<MtDew> any telemarketer got a blast in their ear
<Magus> "Good day, sir, I represent the Hotsy Totsy Aluminum Siding Co., and...." HOOOOONK! "AAAGH!"
<MtDew> exactly
<Magus> nah, telemarketers are fun to play with
<Magus> my favorites are the credit card guys
<Magus> once I let one go thru his whole pitch, he thought he'd made a sale, then I asked
<Magus> "I just got out of prison 2 weeks ago for credit card fraud, will that hurt anything?"
<Magus> *click*

 

(markut) that this was a bicycly accident
(@El-Ztevo) bicycly? does that mean it kinda involved bicycles?

 

<Hawk> I'm gonna be tied up shortly...my brother and girlfriend are stopping by
<Roman> ...
<Monk> so which one's tying you up? your bro or your gf?

 

<axel026> i need help please
<^cell^> do you have an appointment?
<axel026> im french
<^cell^> i see... thats a terrible disorder

 

<aurikan> i got a pre-broken AOL cd in the mail today
<aurikan> how considerate of them
<aurikan> they saved me the trouble of breaking it

 

MultiColoredWiz: Science class was hilarious yesterday.
MultiColoredWiz: We were explaining parts of the body.
MultiColoredWiz: So the teacher puts her hands on her ass and says "What's this called? I will not accept A-S-S or butt."
MultiColoredWiz: I then raise my hand and say:
MultiColoredWiz: "Will you accept 'HUGE'?"

 

<Angel> Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer

 

<SaeNoDa> i mean, whats the point in cheating, right?
<mightyflo> winning?

 

<korinne> cows would live a lot longer if they werent made out of steaks and leather

 

[HumA] sepcial olympics are bad because its hard on the person who finishes last place.. i mean.. how much lower than that can you get

 

<Rafa> A Pirate walks into a bar.
<Rafa>The bartender says "Hey youve got a steering wheel in your crotch."
<Malkatov> The pirate says "Arrrr its driving me nuts"

 

<pritch> yeah well i do an english writing degree
<Linguica> do have

 

<DesPlesda>  I got turned down for a blind date with the excuse "I think we should see other people".
<Hugh> Yikes.
<DesPlesda> Somehow she picked up on my geekness from just my voice. Scary.
<DesPlesda> Maybe I shoudln't have started with 5 minutes of heavy breathing.

 

(Deathwing) I get to see a concert tomorrow, so there
(Lanfear) what concert?
(Deathwing) some guy who plays guitar for commercials
(zed) Wow, some guy who plays guitar for commercials.
(Deathwing) zed, he's one of the most famous guitarist in the world, actually
(Deathwing) up there with Joe Satriani, among others
(Lanfear) that's why you call him 'some guy'?

 

(dx) one of those sears telemarketers called me the other day
(dx) so i ordered sears siding for the condo complex across the street
(dx) they showed up
(dx) and knocked on the first condo
(dx) and the dude called the landlord
(dx) and he comes out
(dx) and starts screaming at them
(dx) sears calls me back and asks whats wrong and i told them i had no idea what they were talking about
(dx) sears never called me again
(Tbodd) ha ha haaaaaaaaa

 

<skiniminigirl> I wonder if a tall girl will shirnk if you throw her into the dryer
<Mike_Works> I wonder if a short girl will drown if you throw her in the washer

 

<Urban> Pardon my french
<@Rick> don't you mean "pardon my freedom"?

 

<Verchiani> whats a good word to get shaved into the back of your head??
<DeathJester> idiot

 

<Storm> ok, when my mom's friend was like 6, she was out waiting for the bus, also happened to be garbage pick-up day
<Storm> so anyways little kid is waiting for the bus, and her dog comes running out her house to see her, well...unfortunate timing placed the dog right in the street as the garbage truck was arriving
<Storm> so *BAM!* street pizza
<Storm> but then...the garbage man gets outta the truck....sees the dead dog...and just tosses it in the back of the truck, right infront of all the kids at the bus stop

 

<BadM0f0> Hello, this is a Polish virus. Since we do not have the technology to create a real virus, please delete all files on your home directory.

 

<pubatch> i saw the funniest thing last night
<pubatch> i was driving home and this guy walks out in the crosswalk when im barreling towards it
<pubatch> it turns out to be a blind guy with his big white stick, and a yellow jacket with SECURITY written on the back
<pubatch> i dunno what he was guarding but im pretty sure its stolen by now

 

<BlackHawk> LULU: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
<LULU> You wear pants don't you?

 

<Noplex> So Herne, what is your New years resolution?
<Herne> To stop talking to you?
<Noplex> You broke that already.
<Herne> Oops

 

(Byron’s note: ok, this borders on my standards of good taste for my site… but this was too funny to pass up)
<PhD> i got woken up by a freakin woodpecker today
<PhD> i thought someone was knocking on my door
<Katlizy> doesnt every guy get one of those in the morning?

 

 

<eddy> ahh this new keyboard is a pleasure to ype with
<eddy> oops type
<eddy> oh the irony

 

(drmatitis) ya, i've graduated from the rockstar mullet to the NASCAR mullet

 

<MicroChip> ok, so who's gonna win the superbowl?
<Chucker-away> the Yankees
<bishop> the sox
<MicroChip> you guys are so female

 

<VodkaV> lol, french tanks have six gears, 5 reverse, and one forward in case they are ever attacked from behind

 

<_sho_> Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

(Byron’s note: wait wait… I have another dyslexic joke…)

<JonM> I had dyslexia as a child, I wrote about it in my dairy...

(just one more)

<Tbodd> dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

 

<@Netwizard> Osamas dead
<@Burned> perhaps
<@Burned> i just dont want osama to keep releasing albums like Tupac

 

<DavidRei> Life is like an analogy  

 

<Jeff> I'm such a ditz, I dialed my phone number into the microwave

 

 <pengo> i dont really care if i'm not normal.. so long as i'm abnormal within the normal range of abnormality.

 

Soca: my neighbors and their dog need to die
Soca: I just tore up my front lawn with my truck trying to piss them off.  I hope it worked.
drnick: you tore up your own lawn trying to piss of the neighbours
drnick: hmm wheres the logic in that
Soca: Well, I made a lot of noise in the process
Deltan: Yea the joke's really on them with that one

 

<+{R3D}Hurricane> Fly Delta. Cause everyone else is bankrupt.

 

[@cOoke]: If there were a building that stood for average intelligence, you would be the plane that crashed into it

 

<Stugein> Headline:
<Stugein> Headless body in garbage bag discovered near Devil's Slide
<Stugein> First line of article:
<Stugein> The San Mateo County Sheriffs Office is treating Sundays gruesome discovery of a headless body as a homicide.
<Stugein> AS OPPOSED TO WHAT?!

 

<O.J.> Radio interview quote from Marine Corps General Reinwald and a female radio host. He wants to host some boy scouts at the training center for some practice excercises. As follows
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
<GENERAL REINWALD>: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

 

<tethfs> you're a bit dim, arent you?
<Hazza|1942> dim?
<tethfs> evidently so.

 

<geist> watching the Bridges of Madison County always evokes a lot of emotions in me
<p_digga> is vomit an emotion?

 

<Ih8tjon> throwing a match into like, a BUCKET of gasoline won't do anything.
<Ih8tjon> cause, you know, the liquid will actually put it out before it can burn stuff.
<marek> m'am, i've just informed the good people at the Darwin Awards. They promised me they'd keep an eye on you.

 

<Lyricwriter> Don't ask the guy with the bad memory
<Daniac> Who's that?
<Lyricwriter> You
<Daniac> Oh yeah

 

<TrashCanB0B> Oregon
<snowchyld> isnt orgeon a cookie ?
<snowchyld> wait
<snowchyld> thats an oreo

 

<Mort-Hog> How do u spell Encylop(a)edia?
<Flirbnic> Insyklepudier

 

<boster> what is a good crappy digital camera?
<ares> the oxymoron 500

 

<Abstruse> Bush: Iraq, you'd better get rid of your nuclear weapons or we'll bomb you!  Iraq: We don't have any nuclear weapons. 
N Korea: We do. 
Bush: Well then get rid of your chemical weapons! 
Iraq: We don't have those either! 
N Korea: Ummm...we have nukes now. 
Bush: We KNOW you've got chemical and nuclear weapons!  Get rid of them! 
Iraq: Even if we did, which we don't, we can't even hit the USA! 
N Korea: We can nuke California all we want.
Bush: Shuddup North Korea, no one cares!  Iraq, you'd BETTER disarm! 
Iraq: But we don't HAVE anything! 
N Korea: Oh forget it it, blow up Los Angeles... 
Bush: Iraq, I'm warning you... 
*BOOM*
<doppelganger> bush: "we are sick and tired of your missiles hitting us, iraq...but we cant understand why they are flying in from the pacific ocean!" 
north korea: "he CAN'T be that stupid." 
saddam: apparently he is.  i myself havent even made any missile that goes beyond walking distance."

 

<Lith> im tellin ya.. im sitting on a land mine
<Lith> err
<Lith> gold mine

 

<funknut> I like my women like I like my coffee.
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?

 

<Consolelover> I need a life.
<Consolelover> Don't get me wrong, my current one's fine.
<Consolelover> I'm just greedy.

 

<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

 

<CurlyEars> sorry....I am a bit compulsive about spelling an grammar

 

<TURBOMEAT> my car caught fire.
<TURBOMEAT> I tried to flick a cigarette out the window
<TURBOMEAT> and it was only like 1/4 down
<TURBOMEAT> so it bounced off the window and went under the seat
<TURBOMEAT> 2 streets later there was smoke billowing out from under me
<TURBOMEAT> it landed on some paper
<TURBOMEAT> then started to burn the material under the seat
<TURBOMEAT> I wish someone had TOLD me smoking could be hazardous

 

<CheesyPoofs> cheese is good
<CheesyPoofs> I mean "cheese is gouda"
<CheesyPoofs> actually that's not quite true - gouda is cheese
<CheesyPoofs> money is good
<CheesyPoofs> therefore, money is cheese
<CheesyPoofs> which is why it's so good
<sabia> okay whatever you say
<CheesyPoofs> I'm leaving out the technical details

 

<Actinium> so she's like "hey" and i swooned, drooled, and wet my pants
<Actinium> and I came back with "hello"
<Actinium> i think it's love

 

<@unlord> yah I've gotten good at typing in the past few dasy

 

<Match> eyeglass repair kits are so stupid
<H4Z3> how so?
<Match> if someone needs to fix their glasses, then obviously they can’t see too well. if they know this, why would they make them so small and hard to find?
<H4Z3> umm... ‘cause then it would be a normal screwdriver
<Match> that’s not what i mean. i know that they have to be small, but why cant they make them more visible. like packaging them in bright red?
<Match> or putting one of those things on them that when you clap it beeps?
<H4Z3> ‘cause that would seem equally stupid. just imagine someone walking around their house, squinting and clapping repeatedly.
<H4Z3> 'what the hell are you doing?'  'Oh, I just need to fix my glasses.'

.

[bigya] I am Tawain
[bigya] so
[bigya] I don't english
[Ccmods] Obviously.

 

<Elfin> Santa Claus broke in through my window last night.
<Kashan> did he leave you a new window?

 

<JuicyClawter> I once threw a cat out of a five story building.  I'm not sure if it landed on its feet, because I was too high up to see.

 

<hawker> just grab a gun then...
<hawker> end your misery...
<TomServo> shooting my boss?
<TomServo> good idea!

 

<skrike> Ill probably just go into work next week and kill everyone
<pozer> I do that all the time.
<pozer> We're hiring, by the way!

 

<Howdizzle> I put the Laughter in Slaughter

 

<burn_prom_girl> our fridge is outside because we got our kitchen tiled
<burn_prom_girl> and it’s in a puddle of water
<burn_prom_girl> thats bad right ?
<burn_prom_girl> and i shouldn’t step in the water around the frigde ?
<burn_prom_girl> it’s plugged in
<ikari> water doesnt conduct electricity
<ikari> it's an urban myth
<ikari> go dance in the puddle

 

<qp_zulrich-EE> both hitler and bush got the power... only one had a brain
<samurai> bush has a brain
<samurai> its just really really small
<V|JFreak> dude, he WAVED at stevie wonder...
 

<cali310> I heard the most ridiculous comment ever made by a newscaster last night on fox...
<cali310> He said, "the Iraqis have hundreds of seasoned suicide bombers"
<cali310> How does one become a seasoned suicide bomber?

 

<badnews> We smokers have to stick together.  We're a dying breed...oh...wait...

 

<Murr> I received a fascinating insight into government operations today
<drm> hows that?
<Murr> ordered some maps from the california geological survey 2 weeks ago
<Murr> received them 1 week ago
<Murr> and got a call today from a lady who had problems reading my credit card #

 

<Karva> Canada doesn't even have a space program
<Eight> uh
<Eight> yeah we do! We actually do a lot of manufacturing of parts for them shuttles.
<Eight> I mean uh…
<Tbodd> Like the Challenger and the Columbia?
<FrankieShoelaces> ha hahaaaaa

 

<JustyUekiTylor> that would be cool, they need bat signals for women... like "The Mood Signal" then you can see it from miles away... so like you could be all like "hey bill, isn't that your wife's mood signal? you better not make too much noise coming home tonight!”

 

<studmuffn> one day i will find a way to implant annoying songs in other peoples heads
<studmuffn> it will be my supervillian power
(Byron’s note: I am actually going to use this in a comic I am working on)

 

<freakar> In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man likes to snicker and yell "Polo!"

 

<stern_7> on CNN, story number 1: North Korea has a nuke.
<stern_7> story number 2: Does standing on your head cure hiccups?
<stern_7> This is what happens when AOL is allowed to own the news.

 

<SUPAR> i wonder if unicorn farts smell like potpourri?

 

<Tbodd> There are only two ways of dealing with women...and neither of them work

 

<grem> i even told my engrish teacher my dog ate my homework so i was forced to gut it
<grem> but it was half digested so she owed me a dog

 

<PercyKittenz> Is it war yet?
<Nacho> after this commercial break

 

<Bmann> -sigh- was looking for my chap stick blindly and picked up a battery and started rubbing it on my lips

 

<guyen> so she gets pulled over, and as the bike cop walks up to her, she asks "are you going to at least try to sell me a ticket to the highway patrolmen's ball?"
<guyen> then the cop goes "highway patrolmen don't have balls, ma'am"
<guyen> and she busts out laughing, he finally gets it and just turns around, gets on his bike, and rides away without another word
<guyen> she just sits in her car laughing for like five minutes before she starts her car again
<guyen> if i'dve tried to say something like that he would have gone LAPD on me

 

<FeralWolf> actually, many Canadians do mock the Columbia disaster
<AriaStargazer> Pff
<AriaStargazer> they're just jealous because the closest thing they'll ever have to a space program is the annual beaver tossing contest

 

<Wynn> Hey, my face is my fortune.. and that's why I'm broke.

 

<Psifire> I got out of the shower and put my universal studios shirt on.
<Psifire> And something occured to me.
<Vykuzich> pants?

 

<Dekon> Florida is holding the election hostage until we quit sending old people

 

<LkTruth1> I am the most intelligence person in this channel.

 

<cursedgenie>  i have pins and needles in my foot
<Draco889> what did you put them in there for?

 

< espo> this movie would be better if Mel Brooks made it
< h2odragon> schindler's list?

 

<FlyNavy> why does every crisis our country has have to have a catchy title, graphic, and it's own theme song?

 

<EmpressMay> When I was 5, I was in Radio Shack's battery club.
<RegEdit> The first rule about battery club is you do not talk about battery club.

 

<arpee> um
<arpee> i have a charge on my account from 11/12/02
<arpee> oh
<arpee> i guess that's the next business day
<arpee> nevermind
<arpee> i was afraid people from the future were stealing my money

 

<Edge> Sense we're going to be using all the correct grammer and everything.
<Jon> Since.
<Edge> Sense
<Jon> And the word is grammar.
<Edge> Since isn't a word!

 

<GC> What does NASA stand for?
<GC> Need Another Seven Astronauts

 

<cuebol> I've yet to see the bald guy on Mr. Clean products come alive and help me with the chores.
<synec> inhale the fumes more deeply

 

<sit`> one of my female coworkers remarked about how i was cutting up my apple with great care so i said "you have to treat it like a woman, cut it in thin slices"
<sit`> that didn't go over too well, for some reason

 

<maywood> Has a PC ever been known to start mysteriously working after it was thrown out a window?
<kevin> Nope, I've never known throwing a PC out the window to help. However, what I did find while I was working at my last job was that intimidation *does* work. When I was having a particularly bad day, I used to take some old equipment that we wouldn't have been able to sell outside, and go Office Space on it. Then, I'd bring the carcass inside, and leave it in plain view, to serve as a warning for the other computers. It worked remarkably well.

 

AlexKN3: i'll be a laughting stuck
AlexKN3: stick
Davey: STOCK YOU IDIOT

 

@(F|uid) candlelight dinners suck
@(F|uid) i cant see my food

 

<Sigma> being Rod Stewart would be awesome
<Sigma> he gets all these hot chicks
<Sigma> the only bad thing would be is that you would be Rod Stewart

 

<voidnull> Computers destroyed my life. Today when my mom told me to get up, I asked her for the password.

 

<*kraken> my mom sent me an email
<*kraken> and in it at one point she said
<*kraken> "i saw that they have personal ads on the internet...ever thought of placing one?"
<*kraken> THANKS MOM!